Surprise!

I mentioned on Friday that my son and I were going to a weekend long tournament for our medieval/renaissance re-creation group. First, I have to say that it was a lot of fun camping and hanging out with friends. Second, I must mention that I was nervous as all get out because I had to herald. Yes, the whole standing up in front of large crowds and loudly making royalty's wishes known. (Did I mentioned I have a fear of public speaking?)

Because I was so nervous I was making a big fuss out of my eight year old son fighting in his first real tournament. (Thus the impulsive shopping.) For the record, I am happy that he has found something he has fun doing and that he sticks with. I am also very happy that he chooses to join me when I play in this game instead of staying home with Daddy. I just work really hard not to put any pressure or expectations on him. After all it's supposed to be fun AND I don't want to be a "football-mom". So when I caught myself doing this I walked away and let him just play with his friends.

When time came for the Youth tournament to begin, I made sure he had everything that he needed on him and with him. I will admit I was short with him when his nerves made him whine at me because my own nerves were strung tight. (What a pair we were.) Then I stood back and took video while he went through inspection and waited for his turn to fight. I was so proud that he was paying attention, that he didn't complain when they changed fighting styles in each round and that he fought well no matter what size kid he was fighting. He was even so focused on making sure he accepted every blow he got that when he hit himself, he gave his opponent the kill. (Did I mention that he's eight?) Luckily for him the Marshal, (referee), told him that the blow didn't count and to continue fighting. I even had to laugh when several people surrounding the eric were cheering him on and yelling out instructions. (I wasn't by the way, the whole no pressure thing.) It was great fun to watch and when it was over my son said he had a blast. This was obvious as he was grinning from ear to ear. The tournament was exactly what we expected, good experience and fun for him. That was a great end to his first tournament. 

Now it was my turn for the biggest and longest court I've ever been herald for. MY tournament, so to speak. We began a little later than planned, there were a lot of scrolls to sign at the last minute. Oh boy! That meant there were a lot of scrolls for me to read. Thankfully, I had gotten to see most of them and got a translation for the one written in Latin. (I do not read Latin, I was not going to start this weekend.) After calling several people forward to get their awards and reading the beautiful handmade scrolls they were given to go along with said awards, I was given a surprise. I was told to read a scroll without calling the person receiving it first. I started reading it and as I scanned ahead, so I wouldn't trip on upcoming words, I saw my son's name. Pushing through the tightening of my throat and the blurring of my eyes I finished reading. My son was named the most Chivalrous Youth Fighter in the tournament. Somehow I missed him leaving his seat and coming up to the thrones. I just looked down and he was there, grinning fiercely. He was excited! I was overwhelmed. After that, finishing court was not as scary. (Even though I lost my train of thought and started laughing out of turn. Whoops!)

This wasn't an official award. This was something that the young lady running the Youth Tournament wanted to recognize. Acknowledgment of a quality we all strive to display in our game. I found out later that several Noblewomen were asked to watch the tournament to choose who displayed this quality. These were women that might have seen my son in passing but really didn't know us that well. So we are both truly humbled that he was recognized for his thoughtfulness and sense of fair play. My husband does not play the game with us but even he is proud and humbled that his son was recognized in this fashion. Even three days later my son is still talking about this and asking if he can take his prize and scroll in for Show and Tell tomorrow. I did forget to mention, the prize was a purple and fluorescent green dragon that is about the same size he is. I don't think the dragon will make it to the school.

On to the real point of this story.

My son has a learning disability, he has difficulty with symbols and language. With that he has suffered with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. I have battled with friends, family and educators about his behaviour and sensitive nature. The boy is brilliant if stubborn. Unfortunately his intelligence has only shown through to others in his art and mechanical skills.

In dealing with all this my son works really hard to make sure he doesn't hurt others feelings and to make sure he is being helpful. I think it's because he knows how it feels to have others look down on him and because he wants to feel some sense of worth. I realize that he isn't always thoughtful or helpful, he is eight after all. For a boy his age, he is remarkably more consistent about it.

As happy as our SCA friends and acquaintances were for my proud Mama moment. As proud as they were that one of our children was awarded this honor. They do not know how much more this award means to us. At least they didn't before now.

I am so very grateful to those Noble Women who saw in my son the Gentleman I've always known existed.

To the remarkable young lady who decided that this quality and behaviour needed to be recognized: Thank You!

Exhaustion waits for No One

After a fun filled working mini-vacation I am truly and extremely exhausted.

Let me tell you, no one cares. Don't take that the wrong way, of course my family and friends have sympathy. Of course everyone I know would like me to get some rest and feel more myself. It's the world at large that I mean is uncaring.

Deadlines cannot be missed due to "sleepiness", for that matter neither can work. You also cannot keep your child home from school because YOU are tired. Children cannot be ignored either. Folks frown at you if you don't feed and change them regularly.

So here I face working with a child not my own, getting my child to and from school, creating lists and coming up with solutions for one of those things that just happens. All the while pushing through this gelatin-like wall of total exhaustion. I still am not done.

I need to be creative despite this and create an announcement worthy of those being recognized for skill and good deeds. This is while my brain winks in and out. This is while my eyes fight to close on me. Yes, I can usually whip something out with only a few minutes leeway, but the Dread Monster Tyred has me by the sore joints I call shoulders and refuses to let go. I must succumb to it sooner or later. I know I won't escape.

Yet I keep pushing for later and later. Just let me get through my list and I promise that I will lay my head upon the pillowcase that desperately needs to be washed and fall asleep hoping that there is one more set of clothes I can wear tomorrow.

I do all this because I've made promises and I have a plan for my future. For both of those reasons I know I will fight this same fight again. Relatively soon I am sure. In the end it will be worth it. At least this is my Mantra. I will get myself and my group to where we need to be. This hard work, the days filled with dragging, yawning and extra food, will find us all successfully happy and with at least a couple extra hours a week to sleep.

In truth I am not complaining. I just need to let these feelings of frustration and general crabbiness out. That way I remember that Mantra and can continue to push forward no matter the obstacle of the day.

Am I crazy? Absolutely!

Encouragement

 My son and I are going to a medieval re-creation event this weekend. This required getting up and getting a fast but mandatory 'before camping for two days' shower and frantically packing the last few things into the car. This led to getting him to school a few minutes late and still having  to do some last minute shopping. Really, we only needed drinks, bread, salami and snacks. Let's start by saying I forgot the bread and salami. The reason? I got distracted by a well intentioned idea. You know the kind, the ones that always cost you more money.

My son is going to be competing in a tournament at this event. I am pretty excited and I think dad is proud of him for getting out there. Not one of the three of us cares if he wins. It's a refreshing but kind of scary attitude. I hope my son starts caring at some point whether or not he wins. Either way this is what is on my mind as I walk around the store.

Because my husband is not going with us, I decided I needed to get a cheap camera or video recorder. I only spent $30 on a video recorder and was pretty proud of myself for that. I got the snacks, drinks and the antiseptic spray I forgot I needed and continued on my way. Then I began to worry about whether or not the loaner armor was going to make it out to the event. I KNOW that it is usually there. The Youth Marshall is pretty dependable, but... what if. I realize that I am being paranoid but I can't help it. I stop at Play it Again Sports and got a good deal on the equipment. But, there went another $30. I am in trouble now. I totally blew my budget AND this is after I just made my husband help with my fuel costs this past week. Worrying about how to tell him so he will really understand my motivation I begin the drive to the house where I nanny.

The phone is ringing just as I am pulling onto the driveway and it's the hubby. (This is what happens when you start thinking about someone too hard.) I just blurt out how I spent my morning and my funds. I hadn't had the time to choose the right words yet, blunt just had to do.

Now, here is where we get to the whole point of this story and also why I am married to this man. He tells me that he was glad I got the camera since he couldn't come out. Then tells me that our son needed the equipment anyways and he's happy I got a good deal on it. He then floors me with the additional encouragement of wanting to support our child in the things that said child is interested in. This is what he never got growing up. Furthermore, my husband doesn't ever want our son to be resentful that we never had the money for him to pursue his interests.

This boy of ours is so lucky. I am so lucky. We have someone in our lives that truly wants us to be happy. I absolutely love the fact that even when I am chastising myself for acting on impulse, my husband understands exactly what motivated that impulse. More to the point he encourages these good intentions and crazy ideas. He also tells everyone when we joke about my impulses that HE is lucky because even on impulse I am extremely frugal. I know that, unfortunately, it is rare to have this type of unconditional love and encouragement. I know also that I waited  a long time and kissed a bunch of warty slimy frogs to find it.

Now I just need him to stop encouraging me so much in terms of my writing. Talk about putting the pressure on. Hahaha. Yes I am tough to please, but happy nonetheless.

Now off to the Tournament for Baronial Defenders!

Lack of Motivation?

There are so many days like today when it seems difficult to really put pen to paper. (Yes I still write longhand.) We usually assume that when work doesn't get done that it is total lack of motivation. Then we beat ourselves up over it and deal with that damn self-esteem monster. The thought effectively instilled in us is that there is something wrong with us when we cannot motivate ourselves to do what we say and believe we really want to do.

But what if it is not lack of motivation? What if it's a necessary time out for the over-stimulated brain? Because as I sat here to type out some thoughts I had last night I realized that I couldn't really put any of those down. Each separate idea was vying and fighting for attention and mixing with all the others. When this happens not one sentence can be written legibly. I would end up with a narrative on the Hippotamus that wore a mat during the raising of children in the middle of a philosophical debate on the nature of rope that played music. Most of you would never think that Monty Python's skits were random again. What a scary thought in and of itself. 

I realize that some of this is clutter and I should try to organize my thoughts a little better. But really, have you seen my room? It is just like any desk I've ever worked at. I know approximately where everything is, so long as no one moves it or adds to it. And damnit if people aren't always giving me more stuff or moving MY stuff. (BTW per George Carlin if it's mine it's STUFF.)

If I truly invited the people around me into my brain I believe they would be overwhelmed and become catatonic. Then I'd have that clutter to deal with as well. 

The good news is, that at this moment I can give myself a pat on the back because I at least got something out. Made more room for those other thoughts and ideas to flutter around and breathe a bit. 

Then of course comes the bad news. Because you know what will happen, right? I will click on Publish, check my email and have ten more thoughts enter my brain and all of those thoughts will start chasing each other causing a totally distracting blur of action. This will wear me out as I try to corral them and I will have no choice but to sit down with someone else's thoughts and dreams for a while as a time out for my own.

I truly AM motivated or I wouldn't have logged onto this account. I truly AM motivated or I wouldn't have bought more refills for my "really cool no one else is allowed to touch it" pen with the last bit of my previous paycheck. I truly AM motivated or I wouldn't have taken notes on the way children have been playing around me for the last couple of weeks. Motivation or the lack thereof is NOT the problem. 

The problem is that I don't have any other way to calm my thoughts down other than giving them a time out. So as most of us as parents struggle with creatively wrangling and effectively redirecting our children's behaviour, I am now struggling to figure out the creative and effective way to wrangle, trap and direct my out of control thoughts.

As a parting note, YES I do hear the tiny violin playing the music for the trials and tribulations of the creative mind. Add a drum and I will dance to that.     :)

Think!

A friend posted a link on a social network and got a lot of varied responses to it. Why? Because it had to do with religion and government. Mind you, I love healthy thought provoking debates. What I don't like is someone that cannot see the forest for the big bible thumping tree in front of him that he was told to watch no matter what.
I guess you can say this really got under my skin. But in all fairness I replied without being a showoff (since my field of study has been history and political science) and just posted something I thought was common sense.
In return I get "I remember reading that this [unrelated thing about our government] came from [this passage in the bible]". *

Are you kidding me???

Now before you get too offended let me explain. That way you know why you're offended. :)

I have NO problem with someone quoting their brand of scripture when explaining something to do with that religion. Great resource for that topic. Honest! The huge thing that gets my hackles up is making a statement that assumes that this is the first source for an idea, that this is the end all be all of an argument AND when the statement is about something OTHER than the issue that was being debated. No, I was not on debate team. No, I haven't gone to law school yet. I just think about what I want to say, find supporting data (not just one source), and make sure that I stay on topic when I want to debate someone's idea. Isn't that the fair and intelligent way to really argue/debate/think about any issue?

It was pointed out to me that I assume that people in general think before they speak or type. To this I have to say, of course I do. I have to assume that the people around me have a brain and use it. Otherwise I wouldn't leave my house. Which means I wouldn't have a family or the wonderful friends I am blessed with.

So yes I want to continue to assume that people in general paid attention in history class. I want to assume that they know that there were other religions and societies that worked well in the past. I want to assume that people remember that all the religious texts that are out were written by MERE MORTALS who have and will mesh what was going on in their society with whatever visions or visitations they may have had. I want to assume that people do know that some of these texts were written specifically for a government to have a reason to govern how they govern. And good grief I really want to assume that people know that EVERYTHING is read/interpreted differently by different people because of their own sphere of experience.

I know that most everything we know comes from texts. I also know that there was oral history before that. And as my very good friend pointed out, people haven't changed much so if we are doing it now that means that our ancestors probably did the same things. The only thing that has changed is how we do things due to the current technology. Do I expect others to know this? Well maybe not to the letter, but at least be open to the fact that you may not know it. Do I know everything? Oh Goddess NO! But I admit what I don't know, I research and what I half remember I look up and I try my best to listen to what others have to say.

So you see the actual topic, the oppositional view or the ideas themselves didn't aggravate me. The lack of actual thought and the poor presentation is what ultimately bugged the hell out of me.

So now I will have some more coffee, find some chocolate and try to lose myself in a fantasy where I can make this pet peeve into something fun and ironic.

*(I edited the actual topic because I don't actually want to debate this particular idea here. It isn't the point.)

New Beginnings

Or I should say To Begin Again....

More than half a lifetime ago I was introduced to "creative writing" and was hooked. I mean really, give a gal who can't speak up in general a way to express herself and don't expect her to cling to that means as a lifeline? No matter where I was, if I was thinking I was putting snippets of things on paper. There was no such thing as boredom, just time to write something else. Some things were beautiful, some are termed disturbing, but it was all about what I saw or felt at that point in time.

Of course as I got older and had other things I HAD to do, or lost the energy to gather my thoughts after running after a toddler, dealing with household stuff and dealing with illnesses. I also lost time and energy by getting involved in almost everything that piqued my interest. I mean I want to learn everything there is to know about everything. No I am not crazy. Just curious.

What WAS crazy was the thought that floated through my brain a couple of years ago. I remember sitting on my bed dejectedly wishing I had a way to reach out to the world. Why didn't I have a skill that would allow me to share my thoughts and ideas? See what happens when you take what you've always done for granted. It took a very good friend to smack me upside the head and ask why I wasn't WRITING for a living. Duh!

So here I am and hopefully the world is ready for me. I have very strong ideas on how things should work and how I should live my life. I know I will enrage some and offend others. Hopefully, I will also inspire some to think for themselves and question everything.

I will warn everyone now. I will write about whatever has my brain working on a given day and how I feel about it. I make no apologies for my ideas as it has taken me some time to come to terms with myself and I like who I am. My fantasy worlds and the stories that come out of them become richer because of my experiences and convictions. I am sure that no matter what I say here, most anyone will find something or someone they identify with in my Stories. Trust me ;)