Knocked for a Loop

A good chunk of people come from dysfunctional families. Some of us break out of the cycle and some of us just follow the same path because it is familiar.

I hope that I am one of the ones who have broken out of the cycle of emotional constipation and the cruelty which is born from it.

I've mostly dealt with my childhood traumas and losses, and when I get sucked back into that darkness it doesn't take me long to pull the memory out in its fullness, thank it for the scars and put it back away. (I have found that moving on is a continual process not a one time accomplishment.) But going back to my hometown for my uncle's funeral hit way too many buttons and I am having a harder time thanking anything. Plus there are a few new memories to add to the box.

My plan was to come back, write about meeting the adults I used to babysit or at least change the diapers of, however, I haven't gotten to that part of my coming back home process. 

If you don't know this by now, my mind is always trying to put the puzzle together, no matter what form that puzzle is in. Sometimes I amuse myself because I get distracted by a section which reminds me of something and that rabbit hole leads to a tea party. Sometimes, like this time, the rabbit hole lead to both the Jabberwocky and Bandersnatch.

My "jabberwocky" is thoughtless selfishness. My "bandersnatch" is pride.

When I say thoughtless selfishness I mean when someone doesn't think about a situation other than what they want. For example, I was told several times, (attempted guilt trips), that I don't visit enough or that I disappeared. My response of course was that I haven't had anyone visit me at all and they are always welcome. Here is how this is both thoughtless and selfish. I am expected to make the effort to reach out regardless of my situation. No one thought about or remembers the fact that my family was almost homeless, that we were destitute for quite some time, or that when we were in town they were busy. (BTW I am VERY grateful and humbled that my support system came in the form of good friends who became family. They were my life boat and I hope I can repay that.) I could jab at this Jabberwocky with hurt and resentment, throwing  all the trials and tribulations at the snapping jaws of this beast. This would only lead to both of us continuing to battle in a bloody war. Or I can forge a vorpal sword of forgiveness as well as gentle darts of reminders that my door is always open and my phone is always available. The forging of this magical weapon is tough and laborious, yet the undertaking is worth the sweat and tears. I am working on it still.

Pride is tricky. Of course we all want to be proud of our accomplishments. We want to hold our heads high and acknowledge that we are worth... something. Most of the time with families it goes a bit too far. This leads us as individuals unable to ask for help or share our struggles. This bandersnatch led to a big ugly pile of resentment when it came to my uncle's death. His wife & children didn't want to use the D word when talking to the rest of the family about his illness, (thus the true nature & severity was lost on people who don't do subtle.) My father's pride kept the rest of our family from knowing that he is struggling financially and that my husband and I were struggling in the past. My pride keeps me from correcting assumptions and accusations. My mom's pride keeps her from admitting that her memory has holes. And the list goes on. I don't know how to deal with my part in this as I also don't want to alienate people further. But I am much MUCH better at keeping it from happening in the future by asking for help now and letting people know when things are less than ideal. Of course we can only be responsible for ourselves, so the beast continues to claw, scratch and bite. This makes it a much more difficult beast to overcome. You cannot defeat it, you can only subdue it. So I must find a way to charm it. Hopefully then it will wander off to sleep for a bit.

The point where a night of drinking and dancing with friends to get my equilibrium back is drawing closer. First maybe a rowdy and silly D&D game will get me laughing enough to put these monsters into perspective. Then I can talk about the adults I still picture in diapers.

Hmm... Maybe I just need a new novel to edit.

Estrella War - The Storm

Estrella War was full of fun activities and everyone had a lot of things planned for each day we were there.
Unfortunately for those of us NOT on the battlefield, Saturday proved to be the day that flexibility was challenged.

Literally and Figuratively...

The winds blew! Swirling and Gusting they blew! We witnessed flying canopies, twisting aluminum and frantic members of the Populace running to secure their temporary homes. Stakes were shared, bodyweight used to anchor anything larger than a chair and children were corralled yet left to their own devices.

In short it was Mayhem! Loud and Scary!

I was not feeling well so once the children got a bit too much for my growing headache, I moved into the tent I was sharing with my troupemates.  Those troupemates came inside as well. We were protected from the high winds and began chatting. Noticing that while this medieval style tent rocked a bit, the noise of the wind was less and we were unaware of the further Chaos that was occurring outside. We felt safe and cozy. All was right in our world.

We began a conversation that started with snarkiness, had giggles mixed in (surprising I know), moved on to emotional and ended with a Secret Society. 

Sorry I can't tell you about it.... Yet. (We also have our own personal animal mascots.. shhhh!)

All in all we three grew a little closer and had a great time together. We finished the beer and let Sir Templeton have the empties. We were even kind enough to share snacks with him. He became too overwhelmed and needed to be put back in his basket.

Then T went outside to bring back more beer and witnessed the Destruction.

The modern nylon tents in front of and beside us had been ripped and ruined. Rain was now on its way so the mad dash to get belongings into vehicles was hot and heavy. We were astonished that we heard nothing of the Pandemonium and felt guilty for feeling so content in our "home".

Of course we offered to help. I was turned down as I was honestly not feeling well. The other two gals went out to get lunch into the folks that were working so hard and frantically. Sandwiches were made and handed out. Children were encouraged to stay in the "kitchen" and out of the way. Although the way they chose to entertain themselves with the foodstuffs was totally inappropriate. This drove my friends back into our tent. They helped everyone with sustenance, time to move away from the temptation to strangle young'uns. The rain had arrived and so had more beer. It was time to snuggle under blankets, drink more beer and wait out the Craziness.

We were impressed with the way that most folks dropped everything and helped their neighbors. We were impressed that the Nobility made sure to come around and check on the members of the Populace. We were not impressed with those that just bailed and didn't particpate in the magic that is the Current Middle Ages. That's ok. We learned a lot and saw great things. We also have more evil plans in the making.

Flexibility and a Sense of Humor!

The "survivors" showed these strengths and got the party to celebrate them.

Stardust!