Knocked for a Loop

A good chunk of people come from dysfunctional families. Some of us break out of the cycle and some of us just follow the same path because it is familiar.

I hope that I am one of the ones who have broken out of the cycle of emotional constipation and the cruelty which is born from it.

I've mostly dealt with my childhood traumas and losses, and when I get sucked back into that darkness it doesn't take me long to pull the memory out in its fullness, thank it for the scars and put it back away. (I have found that moving on is a continual process not a one time accomplishment.) But going back to my hometown for my uncle's funeral hit way too many buttons and I am having a harder time thanking anything. Plus there are a few new memories to add to the box.

My plan was to come back, write about meeting the adults I used to babysit or at least change the diapers of, however, I haven't gotten to that part of my coming back home process. 

If you don't know this by now, my mind is always trying to put the puzzle together, no matter what form that puzzle is in. Sometimes I amuse myself because I get distracted by a section which reminds me of something and that rabbit hole leads to a tea party. Sometimes, like this time, the rabbit hole lead to both the Jabberwocky and Bandersnatch.

My "jabberwocky" is thoughtless selfishness. My "bandersnatch" is pride.

When I say thoughtless selfishness I mean when someone doesn't think about a situation other than what they want. For example, I was told several times, (attempted guilt trips), that I don't visit enough or that I disappeared. My response of course was that I haven't had anyone visit me at all and they are always welcome. Here is how this is both thoughtless and selfish. I am expected to make the effort to reach out regardless of my situation. No one thought about or remembers the fact that my family was almost homeless, that we were destitute for quite some time, or that when we were in town they were busy. (BTW I am VERY grateful and humbled that my support system came in the form of good friends who became family. They were my life boat and I hope I can repay that.) I could jab at this Jabberwocky with hurt and resentment, throwing  all the trials and tribulations at the snapping jaws of this beast. This would only lead to both of us continuing to battle in a bloody war. Or I can forge a vorpal sword of forgiveness as well as gentle darts of reminders that my door is always open and my phone is always available. The forging of this magical weapon is tough and laborious, yet the undertaking is worth the sweat and tears. I am working on it still.

Pride is tricky. Of course we all want to be proud of our accomplishments. We want to hold our heads high and acknowledge that we are worth... something. Most of the time with families it goes a bit too far. This leads us as individuals unable to ask for help or share our struggles. This bandersnatch led to a big ugly pile of resentment when it came to my uncle's death. His wife & children didn't want to use the D word when talking to the rest of the family about his illness, (thus the true nature & severity was lost on people who don't do subtle.) My father's pride kept the rest of our family from knowing that he is struggling financially and that my husband and I were struggling in the past. My pride keeps me from correcting assumptions and accusations. My mom's pride keeps her from admitting that her memory has holes. And the list goes on. I don't know how to deal with my part in this as I also don't want to alienate people further. But I am much MUCH better at keeping it from happening in the future by asking for help now and letting people know when things are less than ideal. Of course we can only be responsible for ourselves, so the beast continues to claw, scratch and bite. This makes it a much more difficult beast to overcome. You cannot defeat it, you can only subdue it. So I must find a way to charm it. Hopefully then it will wander off to sleep for a bit.

The point where a night of drinking and dancing with friends to get my equilibrium back is drawing closer. First maybe a rowdy and silly D&D game will get me laughing enough to put these monsters into perspective. Then I can talk about the adults I still picture in diapers.

Hmm... Maybe I just need a new novel to edit.

The magic feels.... a lot like hard work

Honestly!

The magic that will happen as our performance in the late winter doesn't feel so magic filled or awe-inspiring at the moment. Right now what I mostly feel is sore muscles and extreme awkwardness. Of course, once we get things really moving and get those "wow" moments down, no one will believe it. It will come across as genius in simplicity. Exactly what we are aspiring to. It is just a little painful working to get there.

When new folks come out to learn to dance the most common thing I've heard is "I will never look as good as you." My first instinct is to be self depracating and respond that I don't think I look that good. What they mean is that they don't think that they can really learn the moves as they are feeling awkward and clumsy. What I mean is that I still feel awkward and clumsy until I get something new down. I just happen to have a few more moves in my bag right now.

This is giving me something else to think about. Writing. Specifically, my writing.

At the moment it doesn't feel altogether magical. Well at least the act of putting down my thoughts and ideas on a page don't. It feels awkward and cumbersome and I find myself re-arranging a lot of my verbage. The only magic so far is when I can't get a scene out of my mind and feel the need to find some paper. (Yes I do sometimes just take pen to paper.) This has been painful and frustrating. A good deal of work and research goes into what I write and that kind of kills that magical feeling.

While thinking about this I have read notes from my favorite authors and truly understand that new dancers' feeling of being completely and utterly lost. I start wondering about whether or not I can truly get to where I want to go. If it will ever be as easy as it seems with these authors. Will I get over myself and start just writing so uncontrollably that I will have more books to try to get published then I know what to do with? It would be really nice not to have total control of my characters and have them tell me what is going to happen next. At the moment it feels a lot like trying to get information from reluctant children.  Slow going with a few AHA! moments.

My two focuses in 2011 will truly be the troupe and my writing. As each of these require creativity and hard work it seems fitting that I should take my lessons from my struggles with both.

(Funny, this is starting to take the form of a resolution, which is something I avoid making.)

Here's a compromise, we'll call this a realization. I am accepting the realization that the magic will come AFTER the hard work. I will have my "wow" moment as I get closer to the meat of the stories I write. The magical feeling will be knowing that I have something to shop and a show that will blow the audience away!

So here's to the magic of hard work. Bippity Boppety Do it already... heh

NaNoWriMo... sort of

NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month is an annual self-monitored writing contest. The contest is not about writing the best story. In fact no one else actually reads your novel unless you decide to send it to someone for that purpose. The point of the contest is to write without slowing down to edit or research. Get all your ideas on "paper" and hit at least 50,000 words. A couple of people I know are participating this year as am I.

Admittedly, I haven't been very good about using every available moment to write. I am doing a bit better than I did last year, I blamed the low word count last year to starting 2 weeks into the month. This year, I acknowledge that I have let other things distract me. I plan for time to write and then work on things for the dance troupe OR start plotting ways to make a bit more money. Making ends meet is a HUGE distraction.

Another huge distraction is that buzzing in the back of my head that I could be polishing what I have already written to submit to agents. This of course runs back around to that making money thing. Really, if I had money I could just write. The time would be there for research and editing as well. Then the daydreaming begins.

One of my writing partners and I constantly joke about winning the lottery so we can become wealthy enough to write. Being a professional student would be nice too, but really that would defeat the purpose which is having time to write without worrying about the dreaded Bill Monster. We understand that this joking is a way of blowing off steam. The daydream to relieve stress. Last week, however, I almost stepped over the line.

I was surrounded by advertising for that week's Powerball. At that point it was up to $123 million and I was counting change out to put fuel in my truck. I was SO close to using some of that change to buy a Powerball ticket. I was calculating what winning that money would actually mean. (The math will be wrong, it's not my forte.) About 50% would be taken for taxes which would leave me with $61.5 million. Paid out over 20 years there would be a yearly stipend of about $3 million. So the first year I could pay off student loans, personal loans, medical debt and buy the house completely from my in-laws. We'd also be able to buy a larger home and have newer vehicles. My husband would still have to work that year. BUT we'd be comfy. This all went through my head in the 2-3 minutes that I had to wait for an available cashier.

What stopped me from buying a ticket and trying? I would be cheating myself out of 24 miles of driving. That is 1/3 of the mileage for my day. Total reality check. I had to be able to get to work and back home that day, regardless of whether or not my $3 would win me anything in the future. This was too big of a gamble for me on this day.

Where does this leave me then? And what does this have to do with NaNoWriMo?

It leaves me realizing that I need to continue to do what I can to scrimp and save. I need to remind myself that the course I am on will get me to where I want to go. I need to work on Patience. And mostly I need to remember that when I am feeling overwhelmed this blog is here for me to empty the clutter so I can hear my character's voices more clearly.

With that in mind I go back to writing a bit more on the slightly researched and not edited novel that I WILL finish on November 30th!