How do I look?

Perception

Something I learned very young is perception is super important in our lives. It's a powerful motivator with influential and invasive minions which can be detrimental or powerful.

Depending on who you speak to or what the application, the minions of perception are the tools that any self-help guru, marketing professional or sales coach teach. They are the basis of "fake-it til you make-it." These minions are also the key to "professionalism", which includes dress codes -written or not, phone etiquette, vocabulary expectations and diplomacy in the office. We want and need clients to view us a certain way. Public Perception can make or break a company. Much more so now than 10, 20, 30 years ago since we are now required to have a digital world-wide presence.

Again, the way people view us will either propel us forward or leave us hanging.

Family is also a game of perception. It is important to the heads of family how outsiders view the family as a whole because of course that is how they view the head of the household. It is even more important how the extended family views the nuclear family. Weird right? However, this plays out over and over again. There's an underlying competition within families which is won by the parents/guardians who have the most successful and exemplary children. Once again the minions - dress code, circumstantial etiquette, vocabulary expectations and diplomacy within the family are important. The need to maintain the perception of a well-adjusted family sometimes becomes toxic.

Yes, I said sometimes.

The reason behind the "fake-it til you make-it" mantra in business is that it creates productive habits. Keeping a calendar with penciled-in fake appointments creates a habit of maintaining your calendar. Once those appointments are actualized you are already in the habit of consulting your calendar and keeping it up to date. Faking a receptionist until you can hire one, creates an expectation for your clients of going through appropriate channels. Keeping an eye on appropriate fashion and replicating it, (within your means), creates a habit of presenting yourself the best way possible. All of these are equivalent to the productive habits for a healthy family model.

The perception game becomes destructive when its minions are suppressed or when they are let to run rampant. The minions body image, hygiene, self-worth, self-care, competition, etc., when used too often or not often enough create the monsters of Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Sleep Disorders and Addiction. These monsters can take years to tame, however, they are never truly conquered.

How are you using the minions of Perception? How have they been used on you?

Are you fighting the monsters they create? Did you tame these monsters?

It would seem that this is just the opening of this particular rabbit hole.

Dusting Off the Keyboard

What an adventure!

To answer the burning question, yes I stopped writing. Life hit some whitewater and in order to stay in the game I had to specialize. When there are only so many dice to roll, you gotta be picky about what oars to keep. (Now how's that for mixing metaphors?)

My old nemesis the Time Thief gained some allies. However, those allies worked for me as well. I have gained the ally of Knowledge, while strengthening my ally Tribe.

After a lengthy game of strategy with several losses and a few gains I find my weapons sharper, stronger, and seasoned oh-so-well with the sweat and tears of my efforts as well as the efforts of my Tribe.
However, the color of my thoughts, the flitting pictures in my mind continue to want an outlet. I have been told countless times, "You should start a blog." I had one. I have one. No. I abandoned one.
Hemming, hawing, thinking, overthinking and finally coming to the conclusion that I suck... at diary keeping. But I love to play with the random sentences that fly through my mind.

So what's next?

When something hits me as funny and no one else gets it, I'll post.
When my soul feels the ripping sensation of truth, I'll post.
When I need to make fun of my moody self, I'll probably think about posting, then think better of it, then write it, erase it, and...  I'll post.
In between all this I might fill in the gap of my abandonment of this lonely page.

Why shouldn't we all have fun as I try to herd butterflies?

Projects, projects and MORE projects...

So this is where we once again talk about Trickster Time... He is getting so much publicity from me, I wish there was a way to bill and collect from this elusive artist.

This is a glimpse into what my life has become and it will only get more insane from here.

The troupe has performances coming up that we are really excited about and can't wait to do. Of course we need to make costumes and refresh ourselves with certain styles of Middle Eastern dance. These shows are fast approaching. As a group we are realizing that just because something is a month away, it does not mean that we have a month to work on it.

When you take into account the time you already have committed to work, children, spouses and other activities the amount of time available to actually do work decreases. Also, the time you need to take to create and sew a costume takes away from the time you can use for rehearsal. This works the other way around as well. On top of all these things you should really try to factor in the fun that Trickster Time will have with you. He likes to work with Nemesis to create problems with the sewing machines or computers you are using to work on costumes and music. Time will also play around with the day that you are working and give you the impression of having 8 hours but the 4 hour project doesn't get finished because you only really had 3 hours to truly work on it.

It makes me tired just thinking about all the things that Time can do to you when you have a deadline. It also wears me out just trying to explain how it all works. Or doesn't as the case may be

Now here's where it gets interesting or insane, take your pick.

I am networking for the troupe as well as trying to costume myself for the BIG show coming up in March. Having agreed to do some other work where I need another costume by the end of this month. Yes, 2 weeks from now. Along with rehearsals and the dance class I am teaching, I am sure I will find the time. (Was that convincing?)

Then there is the multi-level marketing that needs at least some attention. No more than 15 minutes a day really. But somehow that 15 mins seems more like an hour when you try to find it loose and free. A block of 15 free minutes is the Jackalope of my world. Truly, have you ever really seen it?

Add on to this craziness my personal quest to bring more money into my household. I now have 2 commissioned sewing projects. Well 3 if you count the project I was supposed to do during the summer. I need an hour a day to fit those in and have them done before the event they are to be worn at. ACK!  (Yes, I realize I asked for this.)

And last but not least is the writing. It's always waiting for me. Like that old friend from college that is happy to hang out with you but you always leave hanging until all your other social obligations are taken care of. I am honestly writing a little something every day. But slow and steady is not the actual pace I want to be at right now. (Impatient? Me?)

Now as I return to planning and costuming I do regret that I am not posting as often as I'd like. Nor am I writing as much as I could. I also have lots of unfinished sections on that multi-level marketing website. But it's okay. I am blaming it all on that trickster Time. Otherwise my 2 hours a day would be enough to get everything done.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Birthdays...

Today is my youngest sister's birthday! I sent her a birthday wish on Facebook and will call later today. My mother's birthday is in a couple more days. On top of this my son's birthday is a week and a half away. Folks talk about the end of holiday craziness, in our house there is no end. In our house there are only lulls which are more like a rest in the eye of the storm.

It makes me think about celebrations, now having been through the big party season, and how differently each family does things. It also makes me feel a little sad for things that I can't change. Typically "can't" is a dirty word in my house. This time, however, it fits because there is literally nothing I can do to change something that has already happened and I wasn't around for anyway. I can and will do things to give someone a bit of the experience I think they missed out on... wait i'm getting ahead of myself.

I celebrate my birthday. I mean I try to. I like making a big deal about it, granted it would be nice if other people did this for me but again I digress. Birthdays are another reason to celebrate all the different things we have 'holidays' for throughout the year. They are a time to be thankful for getting through another year, sharing time with friends and family. They are a time to show the people around you that you love them and vice versa. They are also mini Mother/Father's Day for us as parents. Why would anyone not want to use the excuse of their birth to get together with friends, eat, drink and make merry?

The answer to that question is, unfortunately, those people who were never taught that the day they were born is a reason to celebrate. I know way too  many people who have not had the pleasure of having their father dress up as a clown (hobo style) and entertain their friends. Way too many people have not had their parents take off on a "birth day date". Way too many people have not had the frustrating joy that is losing yet another game of musical chairs! Birthdays should be full of Singing, Dancing, Playing Games, Eating, Drinking and generally having Way Too Much fun. Plus you should get more gifts than at Christmas because it's all about you! Well that is a wish anyway. It really isn't about the gifts. So let's leave that one alone. All I am saying is that a dinner out and a gift from the 'rentals does not a celebration make.

Again everything comes back down to the way we were taught to think about things. I find it disheartening that quite a number of people feel that birthdays are a countdown to death. Really? You could get hit by a bus today or contract some awful disease that gives you 30 days to live. Then again, you could live way past the drying up and falling apart of your body. There is no actual countdown folks! (Dang soapbox got under me again.. whoops!)

It comes down to me deciding that part of my responsibility as a mother is to teach my child that birthdays are a time for real celebration. Also with that is the lesson that every day is a day to celebrate something. Nothing is guaranteed.

With all this in mind this year it is even more important to make sure that kiddo has a least a little of the over the top celebrating I got. On a much smaller budget. It can be done. Bills can wait, they are ALWAYS there. Right?

But dangit I need to finish the big story and sell some of these smaller ones! Because one of these years I WILL give him the party with the clown, pony rides and bouncy house... even if it's for his 30th. *G*

The magic feels.... a lot like hard work

Honestly!

The magic that will happen as our performance in the late winter doesn't feel so magic filled or awe-inspiring at the moment. Right now what I mostly feel is sore muscles and extreme awkwardness. Of course, once we get things really moving and get those "wow" moments down, no one will believe it. It will come across as genius in simplicity. Exactly what we are aspiring to. It is just a little painful working to get there.

When new folks come out to learn to dance the most common thing I've heard is "I will never look as good as you." My first instinct is to be self depracating and respond that I don't think I look that good. What they mean is that they don't think that they can really learn the moves as they are feeling awkward and clumsy. What I mean is that I still feel awkward and clumsy until I get something new down. I just happen to have a few more moves in my bag right now.

This is giving me something else to think about. Writing. Specifically, my writing.

At the moment it doesn't feel altogether magical. Well at least the act of putting down my thoughts and ideas on a page don't. It feels awkward and cumbersome and I find myself re-arranging a lot of my verbage. The only magic so far is when I can't get a scene out of my mind and feel the need to find some paper. (Yes I do sometimes just take pen to paper.) This has been painful and frustrating. A good deal of work and research goes into what I write and that kind of kills that magical feeling.

While thinking about this I have read notes from my favorite authors and truly understand that new dancers' feeling of being completely and utterly lost. I start wondering about whether or not I can truly get to where I want to go. If it will ever be as easy as it seems with these authors. Will I get over myself and start just writing so uncontrollably that I will have more books to try to get published then I know what to do with? It would be really nice not to have total control of my characters and have them tell me what is going to happen next. At the moment it feels a lot like trying to get information from reluctant children.  Slow going with a few AHA! moments.

My two focuses in 2011 will truly be the troupe and my writing. As each of these require creativity and hard work it seems fitting that I should take my lessons from my struggles with both.

(Funny, this is starting to take the form of a resolution, which is something I avoid making.)

Here's a compromise, we'll call this a realization. I am accepting the realization that the magic will come AFTER the hard work. I will have my "wow" moment as I get closer to the meat of the stories I write. The magical feeling will be knowing that I have something to shop and a show that will blow the audience away!

So here's to the magic of hard work. Bippity Boppety Do it already... heh

Lack of Motivation?

There are so many days like today when it seems difficult to really put pen to paper. (Yes I still write longhand.) We usually assume that when work doesn't get done that it is total lack of motivation. Then we beat ourselves up over it and deal with that damn self-esteem monster. The thought effectively instilled in us is that there is something wrong with us when we cannot motivate ourselves to do what we say and believe we really want to do.

But what if it is not lack of motivation? What if it's a necessary time out for the over-stimulated brain? Because as I sat here to type out some thoughts I had last night I realized that I couldn't really put any of those down. Each separate idea was vying and fighting for attention and mixing with all the others. When this happens not one sentence can be written legibly. I would end up with a narrative on the Hippotamus that wore a mat during the raising of children in the middle of a philosophical debate on the nature of rope that played music. Most of you would never think that Monty Python's skits were random again. What a scary thought in and of itself. 

I realize that some of this is clutter and I should try to organize my thoughts a little better. But really, have you seen my room? It is just like any desk I've ever worked at. I know approximately where everything is, so long as no one moves it or adds to it. And damnit if people aren't always giving me more stuff or moving MY stuff. (BTW per George Carlin if it's mine it's STUFF.)

If I truly invited the people around me into my brain I believe they would be overwhelmed and become catatonic. Then I'd have that clutter to deal with as well. 

The good news is, that at this moment I can give myself a pat on the back because I at least got something out. Made more room for those other thoughts and ideas to flutter around and breathe a bit. 

Then of course comes the bad news. Because you know what will happen, right? I will click on Publish, check my email and have ten more thoughts enter my brain and all of those thoughts will start chasing each other causing a totally distracting blur of action. This will wear me out as I try to corral them and I will have no choice but to sit down with someone else's thoughts and dreams for a while as a time out for my own.

I truly AM motivated or I wouldn't have logged onto this account. I truly AM motivated or I wouldn't have bought more refills for my "really cool no one else is allowed to touch it" pen with the last bit of my previous paycheck. I truly AM motivated or I wouldn't have taken notes on the way children have been playing around me for the last couple of weeks. Motivation or the lack thereof is NOT the problem. 

The problem is that I don't have any other way to calm my thoughts down other than giving them a time out. So as most of us as parents struggle with creatively wrangling and effectively redirecting our children's behaviour, I am now struggling to figure out the creative and effective way to wrangle, trap and direct my out of control thoughts.

As a parting note, YES I do hear the tiny violin playing the music for the trials and tribulations of the creative mind. Add a drum and I will dance to that.     :)