Getting Wild

I deal with grief and feeling trapped pretty much the same way. With a little controlled wildness. Spend some money frivolously, change my hair, buy new makeup - you know things I can control but know I probably shouldn't be doing right now.

The thing is, I am so very aware of all the pitfalls which come with completely losing control therefore I never let go of the reins. (Ok this one time I did and now I have a 15yo. j/k)

Honestly, it's just not in my programming to go off on a bender or disappear from the world on a moments notice. Sometimes I wish I could, but I have accepted that this is who I am.

YET! Last night I got the shortest haircut I've ever had, (totes adorbs), AND I have peek-a-boo colors of blue, green and purple. Yes, I got wild!
Add that to the boots I bought on Amazon and I am living on the edge. Hahaha

Here's the thing. I know that this is wild and crazy for me, because of the way people around me are reacting. Their reactions are definitely part of the fun. I also know that for some others who don't see me often or know me well it will barely register. Ah well.

My giddiness when I receive a big reaction, gets me wondering...
Is my controlled wildness a little evil? (I mean I definitely like poking some monkey cages, I think the poo is funny and I'm washable.) This is the fun thought exercise, which probably answers my question.

Then I overthink the whole process and wonder is this controlled wildness enough? Or am I just barely keeping the pipes from bursting?

And this is the thought tornado whirling through my brain today.

What do you think about the color?

The Sum of Our Parts

Why all the drama over the number of celebrity deaths this year?

Because it hurts.

Yes, we understand death is part of the cycle. Yes, we understand we don't know these folks personally. Yes, we understand. It still hurts. A raw ripping feeling as though pieces of your soul are being shredded with a SPOON.

Very different from the gnawing ache of sudden emptiness when a family member dies. Yet the reason is very similar.

Our families shape the footings for the foundation of our being. Our souls begin to take shape as they mold and guide us. Then our very being becomes tumultuous. We are separate from them, not replicas, we are OUR OWN PERSON! Serious teenage confusion begins the search for more. (And yes this presents in different ways but that is another story.)

Just like any architectural achievement, our personal construction requires RESEARCH. Music, movies, books, comics, magazines, and sometimes theatre are all the water, sand and gravel in the search for ourselves.

When we begin to find the pieces which either fit, or we desperately want to fit, the posters go up, the collections begin, and the soul grows. The soul changes. We now have a foundation ready, we think, to build upon.

Thus begins our individual journey, the adventure of learning about ourselves, the quest to find our tribe, the thingy to find fulfillment. (More posters, different collections, and new pieces.)

It is human nature to subconsciously think that all these people, the guides, the mentors, the inspirations will forever be around. They are a part of us, how could they not be?

The footings won't fail, the foundation won't crumble; however, the blueprints we lovingly bring out on occasion are now not just fading but beginning to rip - fast. We can feel it. We can't stop it. 

Soon it will be familiar and we can remember with more fondness than sadness. Right now, we grieve and it's part of the cycle as well. 

Dusting Off the Keyboard

What an adventure!

To answer the burning question, yes I stopped writing. Life hit some whitewater and in order to stay in the game I had to specialize. When there are only so many dice to roll, you gotta be picky about what oars to keep. (Now how's that for mixing metaphors?)

My old nemesis the Time Thief gained some allies. However, those allies worked for me as well. I have gained the ally of Knowledge, while strengthening my ally Tribe.

After a lengthy game of strategy with several losses and a few gains I find my weapons sharper, stronger, and seasoned oh-so-well with the sweat and tears of my efforts as well as the efforts of my Tribe.
However, the color of my thoughts, the flitting pictures in my mind continue to want an outlet. I have been told countless times, "You should start a blog." I had one. I have one. No. I abandoned one.
Hemming, hawing, thinking, overthinking and finally coming to the conclusion that I suck... at diary keeping. But I love to play with the random sentences that fly through my mind.

So what's next?

When something hits me as funny and no one else gets it, I'll post.
When my soul feels the ripping sensation of truth, I'll post.
When I need to make fun of my moody self, I'll probably think about posting, then think better of it, then write it, erase it, and...  I'll post.
In between all this I might fill in the gap of my abandonment of this lonely page.

Why shouldn't we all have fun as I try to herd butterflies?

Who WRITES these kid shows?

****CAUTION: If you are easily offended skip this post!*****

I haven't watched South Park in a while, Nor have I been watching Family Guy or American Dad. These are definitely the shows where some of the things I have noticed lately would fit in. So my question is: do the writers on Sesame Street, (this time around, there have been other preschool shows as well), realize what they are putting in front of kids. Or is this one of those, let's throw a joke in the for the parents as it will go over the youngsters heads ploys? If so they are playing a very tricky game.

The instance that got to me was on Sesame Street this week and was so over the top, went into such scary places, I was surprised it was allowed to air. I also can't seem to get it out of my head. Honestly I am not a prude. I would scare most of my friends if they knew half of what went on in my perverted mind. But then again maybe that is the problem. Either way I thought I'd share since this worm won't stop crawling around my warped mind.

My friend and I were talking as his preschooler was watching said show. I was distracted by the sight of a nekkid Bert. Okay, really he was without his typical shirt and they didn't show below his waist. Bert was singing and dancing behind his bathtub. There were bubbles flying everywhere and then a chorus of other male muppets came in to sing with him. This is where the bathtub grew. I could not help myself just as my mind thought it I blurted out "Bert's in a BathHouse!" My friend turned and looked. He hurriedly covered his eyes crying out "Don't do that to me!" He was trying desparately to remove the image from his brain and not laugh. It didn't work. It also got worse from there. He admitted there was always a question since it isn't clear whether or not Bert and Ernie are brothers or just "good roommates". Then we looked at the tv again. Total mistake as now there were animals singing and dancing with all the male muppets behind the ENORMOUS bathtub. Bubbles, colored lights, singing, dancing, laser show and lots of nekkid muppets! What were we supposed to think? (Maybe if we were listening to the song it may have helped.)

This is where the 8 and 6 year old come up from the back of the house as my friend and I are chuckling and trying to keep quiet. Plus these kids are totally oblivious to us. We are not cool or important you know. In any case, they came out looked at the tv and shouted "They're naked!" They promptly ran back to the room they were first playing in and didn't come out until they were called. The point of this part of the story? I wasn't the only one that noticed these felt creatures were only wearing air. I admit the homosexual aspect as well as the beastiality angle was probably just me. Until now.

The section then ends with Bert alone in his bathroom. It was all in his imagination. Well of course it was.  And now we know just what goes on in HIS mind.

If you don't believe me go and look for yourself.
 http://www.sesamestreet.org/video_player/-/pgpv/videoplayer/0/c31c4dc4-157d-11dd-9bc7-777dea8a73e7/i_gotta_be_clean

Progress aka Yes it CAN be Changed

For anyone that has known me for ANY length of time it comes as no surprise that I have a tendency to want to shake things up and do things differently. Experimentation is a fun and fabulous thing that can lead to more fun and fabulous things. (I promise!)

Even more than loving the process of experimenting though is the fact that I think things through (wow this goes back to the first post doesn't it?) and I want know others are thinking as well. Honestly, the two most repeated mantras you will hear around my house is "Everything can be improved" AND "The only constant is CHANGE".

Now, I do realize that change just for the sake of change can be counterproductive. I truly do have reasons and a thought process behind my ideas for change. HOWever, just because there's the slightest possibility that you may not get a good result does not mean that regardless of a good reason and valid point for a change to occur you should still keep the status quo because that's how things are.

That being said I will now get to my point and why I am ranting.

I mentioned in my last post that myself and a couple of friends coordinated an event that went pretty well with a bit of a shaky start. One of the shaky starts was being told I couldn't do something. One of the Loudest reasons I given was 'we've never done that'. I will tell you all that I walked away because I was seriously afraid I would get physical. I really rather reason and logic my way through any given obstacle, problem or argument. BUT when the logic you are being given is ridiculously void of any logic, my brain short circuits.

Yes I AM a parent that HATES the phrase "because I said so" (albeit I do realize that it can be a replacement for the answer you've given 20 times already.) I am sorry to inform everyone that I also will NOT accept "because" as an answer to ANY question. I honestly don't care what reason I am given for something, just so long as it has a small amount of thought behind it. Well, that and you actually listen to what I have to say and process it first before formulating that answer. (Yup there are always qualifiers.)

I was tea-kettle screeching steamed. I have points to make, data to back me up as well as knowledge of how things actually work and conversations no one else has had, yet none of these things matter nor will they be heard. All due to the fact that 'we've never done that'. AAARRGH! (Yup, I can throw a hissy fit with the best of 'em.)

Pause for reflection-

Everyone has been in this situation several times in their lives. I know most folks understand the frustration. Your boss has said 'no' to a brilliant idea that will make the company loads of money for hardly any investment because 'we've never done that'. Your parents say no to a creative idea you have 'because we say so'. Add to that the frustration of not actually being heard and BOOM! Insta-Harpy (must add chocolate or alcohol to return to human form.)

So the question for the day is: Since we've all been there before, why would we continue to do this to each other? (Overly logical I know, most days that is my biggest problem.)


Now back to the regularly scheduled rant -

I KNOW that I am an intelligent woman, I KNOW that I do my research and I KNOW that the reasons behind my decisions are sound and well thought out. So when my ideas/requests are dismissed without thought or a real discussion, when my logical and researched findings are stomped on without a solid base of reasoning I tend to take it a bit personally. You have just told me that I am not worth your time/brain power OR even worse you have told me that you don't think I have a brain. For of course I assume that everyone around me has and uses their brains. (Again back to that first rant.)

Thank goodness for the Red-Headed Goddess with the YUMMY ale that came to everyone's rescue, whether they were aware of it or not! Of course we must also give thanks to the Brunette Goddess that knew it was necessary. :)

OH and let's not forget the all important "I told ya so!"

Speaking of Time

It has been way, way too long since my last post. I looked back wondering what the heck happened and why so much time flew by. That Trickster Time did it to me again! I am telling you he is in for it now!

As I take my time and start to sort out the mess my life became I realize that I do have quite a bit to share. Once again I will have a short series. Because once again I got in over my head and have now resurfaced to discover that while most of what I needed to do got accomplished, there is always much more to do.

Our local ReCreation group has an annual event whose theme is basically a Barroom Brawl. It's great family fun! I volunteered, with three of my friends, to coordinate this event. At the end I must say that I learned a lot. One of the things I learned was that I still have no clue what I am doing most of the time. Another thing I learned is that I don't effectively communicate with men anymore. It is a skill I used to have and apparently have lost. Darn the fact that I actually have fabulous female friends nowadays! I also learned that folks in general have a really difficult time with change. I mean really just because something is always done one way does NOT mean that this is a good argument against doing it another way. Seriously folks. It's called progress. However, I also learned, most importantly, that I am surrounded by some pretty awesome people.

Mind you that while trying to coordinate this event I was also trying to help a friend move, failed in that by the way, trying to put together a lesson plan for a poetry section to teach at my son's school, got sick so had to reschedule that, write up a flyer and send in a contract for the dance class I want to teach come January (so close with that one), tried to do the NaNoWriMo contest, yeah so did not even get close and of course be the Nanny and Mommy that is always my job. Wife and Animal caregiver have to fit in there as well. Oh and herald, friend, troupe performance coordinator and general information finder. Yes I am crazy, busy and can't find my own behind wi.... well anyway it's a bit mad around here. I have also had a cold or more than one that have had me unable to breathe or sleep well for the last three weeks. I forgot to take my Vitamin D. Whoops!

Looking at the list my feeling is that I succeeded in one of my projects but failed in the rest. Yes this is how we learn and what I have learned is that I took on way too much at once. What do I do about that? I can't not do the things I love and that interest me. So I need to fix this somehow.

At the moment I have convinced myself that I need to take on only two projects per week. This week is getting my contract to whom it needs to go to AND try to coordinate a date to teach that Poetry class. I have help coordinating the next Troupe Performance so that one doesn't really count. Maybe I don't need NaNo to try to do something of the scale.... maybe I can do it on my own in an off month like say..... well I will get back to you on that because I can't think of a non-busy month off the top of my head. I know there is at least one!

Now back to the Nanny gig and later the Mommy one while I try to wrangle my life into some semblance of order.

Think!

A friend posted a link on a social network and got a lot of varied responses to it. Why? Because it had to do with religion and government. Mind you, I love healthy thought provoking debates. What I don't like is someone that cannot see the forest for the big bible thumping tree in front of him that he was told to watch no matter what.
I guess you can say this really got under my skin. But in all fairness I replied without being a showoff (since my field of study has been history and political science) and just posted something I thought was common sense.
In return I get "I remember reading that this [unrelated thing about our government] came from [this passage in the bible]". *

Are you kidding me???

Now before you get too offended let me explain. That way you know why you're offended. :)

I have NO problem with someone quoting their brand of scripture when explaining something to do with that religion. Great resource for that topic. Honest! The huge thing that gets my hackles up is making a statement that assumes that this is the first source for an idea, that this is the end all be all of an argument AND when the statement is about something OTHER than the issue that was being debated. No, I was not on debate team. No, I haven't gone to law school yet. I just think about what I want to say, find supporting data (not just one source), and make sure that I stay on topic when I want to debate someone's idea. Isn't that the fair and intelligent way to really argue/debate/think about any issue?

It was pointed out to me that I assume that people in general think before they speak or type. To this I have to say, of course I do. I have to assume that the people around me have a brain and use it. Otherwise I wouldn't leave my house. Which means I wouldn't have a family or the wonderful friends I am blessed with.

So yes I want to continue to assume that people in general paid attention in history class. I want to assume that they know that there were other religions and societies that worked well in the past. I want to assume that people remember that all the religious texts that are out were written by MERE MORTALS who have and will mesh what was going on in their society with whatever visions or visitations they may have had. I want to assume that people do know that some of these texts were written specifically for a government to have a reason to govern how they govern. And good grief I really want to assume that people know that EVERYTHING is read/interpreted differently by different people because of their own sphere of experience.

I know that most everything we know comes from texts. I also know that there was oral history before that. And as my very good friend pointed out, people haven't changed much so if we are doing it now that means that our ancestors probably did the same things. The only thing that has changed is how we do things due to the current technology. Do I expect others to know this? Well maybe not to the letter, but at least be open to the fact that you may not know it. Do I know everything? Oh Goddess NO! But I admit what I don't know, I research and what I half remember I look up and I try my best to listen to what others have to say.

So you see the actual topic, the oppositional view or the ideas themselves didn't aggravate me. The lack of actual thought and the poor presentation is what ultimately bugged the hell out of me.

So now I will have some more coffee, find some chocolate and try to lose myself in a fantasy where I can make this pet peeve into something fun and ironic.

*(I edited the actual topic because I don't actually want to debate this particular idea here. It isn't the point.)