Knocked for a Loop

A good chunk of people come from dysfunctional families. Some of us break out of the cycle and some of us just follow the same path because it is familiar.

I hope that I am one of the ones who have broken out of the cycle of emotional constipation and the cruelty which is born from it.

I've mostly dealt with my childhood traumas and losses, and when I get sucked back into that darkness it doesn't take me long to pull the memory out in its fullness, thank it for the scars and put it back away. (I have found that moving on is a continual process not a one time accomplishment.) But going back to my hometown for my uncle's funeral hit way too many buttons and I am having a harder time thanking anything. Plus there are a few new memories to add to the box.

My plan was to come back, write about meeting the adults I used to babysit or at least change the diapers of, however, I haven't gotten to that part of my coming back home process. 

If you don't know this by now, my mind is always trying to put the puzzle together, no matter what form that puzzle is in. Sometimes I amuse myself because I get distracted by a section which reminds me of something and that rabbit hole leads to a tea party. Sometimes, like this time, the rabbit hole lead to both the Jabberwocky and Bandersnatch.

My "jabberwocky" is thoughtless selfishness. My "bandersnatch" is pride.

When I say thoughtless selfishness I mean when someone doesn't think about a situation other than what they want. For example, I was told several times, (attempted guilt trips), that I don't visit enough or that I disappeared. My response of course was that I haven't had anyone visit me at all and they are always welcome. Here is how this is both thoughtless and selfish. I am expected to make the effort to reach out regardless of my situation. No one thought about or remembers the fact that my family was almost homeless, that we were destitute for quite some time, or that when we were in town they were busy. (BTW I am VERY grateful and humbled that my support system came in the form of good friends who became family. They were my life boat and I hope I can repay that.) I could jab at this Jabberwocky with hurt and resentment, throwing  all the trials and tribulations at the snapping jaws of this beast. This would only lead to both of us continuing to battle in a bloody war. Or I can forge a vorpal sword of forgiveness as well as gentle darts of reminders that my door is always open and my phone is always available. The forging of this magical weapon is tough and laborious, yet the undertaking is worth the sweat and tears. I am working on it still.

Pride is tricky. Of course we all want to be proud of our accomplishments. We want to hold our heads high and acknowledge that we are worth... something. Most of the time with families it goes a bit too far. This leads us as individuals unable to ask for help or share our struggles. This bandersnatch led to a big ugly pile of resentment when it came to my uncle's death. His wife & children didn't want to use the D word when talking to the rest of the family about his illness, (thus the true nature & severity was lost on people who don't do subtle.) My father's pride kept the rest of our family from knowing that he is struggling financially and that my husband and I were struggling in the past. My pride keeps me from correcting assumptions and accusations. My mom's pride keeps her from admitting that her memory has holes. And the list goes on. I don't know how to deal with my part in this as I also don't want to alienate people further. But I am much MUCH better at keeping it from happening in the future by asking for help now and letting people know when things are less than ideal. Of course we can only be responsible for ourselves, so the beast continues to claw, scratch and bite. This makes it a much more difficult beast to overcome. You cannot defeat it, you can only subdue it. So I must find a way to charm it. Hopefully then it will wander off to sleep for a bit.

The point where a night of drinking and dancing with friends to get my equilibrium back is drawing closer. First maybe a rowdy and silly D&D game will get me laughing enough to put these monsters into perspective. Then I can talk about the adults I still picture in diapers.

Hmm... Maybe I just need a new novel to edit.

Birthdays...

Today is my youngest sister's birthday! I sent her a birthday wish on Facebook and will call later today. My mother's birthday is in a couple more days. On top of this my son's birthday is a week and a half away. Folks talk about the end of holiday craziness, in our house there is no end. In our house there are only lulls which are more like a rest in the eye of the storm.

It makes me think about celebrations, now having been through the big party season, and how differently each family does things. It also makes me feel a little sad for things that I can't change. Typically "can't" is a dirty word in my house. This time, however, it fits because there is literally nothing I can do to change something that has already happened and I wasn't around for anyway. I can and will do things to give someone a bit of the experience I think they missed out on... wait i'm getting ahead of myself.

I celebrate my birthday. I mean I try to. I like making a big deal about it, granted it would be nice if other people did this for me but again I digress. Birthdays are another reason to celebrate all the different things we have 'holidays' for throughout the year. They are a time to be thankful for getting through another year, sharing time with friends and family. They are a time to show the people around you that you love them and vice versa. They are also mini Mother/Father's Day for us as parents. Why would anyone not want to use the excuse of their birth to get together with friends, eat, drink and make merry?

The answer to that question is, unfortunately, those people who were never taught that the day they were born is a reason to celebrate. I know way too  many people who have not had the pleasure of having their father dress up as a clown (hobo style) and entertain their friends. Way too many people have not had their parents take off on a "birth day date". Way too many people have not had the frustrating joy that is losing yet another game of musical chairs! Birthdays should be full of Singing, Dancing, Playing Games, Eating, Drinking and generally having Way Too Much fun. Plus you should get more gifts than at Christmas because it's all about you! Well that is a wish anyway. It really isn't about the gifts. So let's leave that one alone. All I am saying is that a dinner out and a gift from the 'rentals does not a celebration make.

Again everything comes back down to the way we were taught to think about things. I find it disheartening that quite a number of people feel that birthdays are a countdown to death. Really? You could get hit by a bus today or contract some awful disease that gives you 30 days to live. Then again, you could live way past the drying up and falling apart of your body. There is no actual countdown folks! (Dang soapbox got under me again.. whoops!)

It comes down to me deciding that part of my responsibility as a mother is to teach my child that birthdays are a time for real celebration. Also with that is the lesson that every day is a day to celebrate something. Nothing is guaranteed.

With all this in mind this year it is even more important to make sure that kiddo has a least a little of the over the top celebrating I got. On a much smaller budget. It can be done. Bills can wait, they are ALWAYS there. Right?

But dangit I need to finish the big story and sell some of these smaller ones! Because one of these years I WILL give him the party with the clown, pony rides and bouncy house... even if it's for his 30th. *G*

Progress aka Yes it CAN be Changed

For anyone that has known me for ANY length of time it comes as no surprise that I have a tendency to want to shake things up and do things differently. Experimentation is a fun and fabulous thing that can lead to more fun and fabulous things. (I promise!)

Even more than loving the process of experimenting though is the fact that I think things through (wow this goes back to the first post doesn't it?) and I want know others are thinking as well. Honestly, the two most repeated mantras you will hear around my house is "Everything can be improved" AND "The only constant is CHANGE".

Now, I do realize that change just for the sake of change can be counterproductive. I truly do have reasons and a thought process behind my ideas for change. HOWever, just because there's the slightest possibility that you may not get a good result does not mean that regardless of a good reason and valid point for a change to occur you should still keep the status quo because that's how things are.

That being said I will now get to my point and why I am ranting.

I mentioned in my last post that myself and a couple of friends coordinated an event that went pretty well with a bit of a shaky start. One of the shaky starts was being told I couldn't do something. One of the Loudest reasons I given was 'we've never done that'. I will tell you all that I walked away because I was seriously afraid I would get physical. I really rather reason and logic my way through any given obstacle, problem or argument. BUT when the logic you are being given is ridiculously void of any logic, my brain short circuits.

Yes I AM a parent that HATES the phrase "because I said so" (albeit I do realize that it can be a replacement for the answer you've given 20 times already.) I am sorry to inform everyone that I also will NOT accept "because" as an answer to ANY question. I honestly don't care what reason I am given for something, just so long as it has a small amount of thought behind it. Well, that and you actually listen to what I have to say and process it first before formulating that answer. (Yup there are always qualifiers.)

I was tea-kettle screeching steamed. I have points to make, data to back me up as well as knowledge of how things actually work and conversations no one else has had, yet none of these things matter nor will they be heard. All due to the fact that 'we've never done that'. AAARRGH! (Yup, I can throw a hissy fit with the best of 'em.)

Pause for reflection-

Everyone has been in this situation several times in their lives. I know most folks understand the frustration. Your boss has said 'no' to a brilliant idea that will make the company loads of money for hardly any investment because 'we've never done that'. Your parents say no to a creative idea you have 'because we say so'. Add to that the frustration of not actually being heard and BOOM! Insta-Harpy (must add chocolate or alcohol to return to human form.)

So the question for the day is: Since we've all been there before, why would we continue to do this to each other? (Overly logical I know, most days that is my biggest problem.)


Now back to the regularly scheduled rant -

I KNOW that I am an intelligent woman, I KNOW that I do my research and I KNOW that the reasons behind my decisions are sound and well thought out. So when my ideas/requests are dismissed without thought or a real discussion, when my logical and researched findings are stomped on without a solid base of reasoning I tend to take it a bit personally. You have just told me that I am not worth your time/brain power OR even worse you have told me that you don't think I have a brain. For of course I assume that everyone around me has and uses their brains. (Again back to that first rant.)

Thank goodness for the Red-Headed Goddess with the YUMMY ale that came to everyone's rescue, whether they were aware of it or not! Of course we must also give thanks to the Brunette Goddess that knew it was necessary. :)

OH and let's not forget the all important "I told ya so!"