Catching the wave!

Holy Moly!

The last couple of weeks have been filled with one wave of projects after another. And catching each wave at the right time as well as staying on it has been a great challenge. I have learned a lot. About me, about my colleagues and even about my husband. We are definitely moving upward and riding those waves a lot better with every set.

Being part of a team where I get to play with content a bit brings me a little bit of joy. Figuring out how to work through challenges in mindsets and organizing how we communicate on paper or digitally makes me happy as it grows my skills. I am truly grateful for having a place where I have support as I learn different styles of communication.

With that being said, I am missing having words to fuss with. Editing and Formatting for publishing make me happy. So now I need to find at least one more author to keep me busy at home. I am feeling a yearning to write a summary, to play with vocabulary, and to help make a story engaging.

I am ready to catch these waves!

Knocked for a Loop

A good chunk of people come from dysfunctional families. Some of us break out of the cycle and some of us just follow the same path because it is familiar.

I hope that I am one of the ones who have broken out of the cycle of emotional constipation and the cruelty which is born from it.

I've mostly dealt with my childhood traumas and losses, and when I get sucked back into that darkness it doesn't take me long to pull the memory out in its fullness, thank it for the scars and put it back away. (I have found that moving on is a continual process not a one time accomplishment.) But going back to my hometown for my uncle's funeral hit way too many buttons and I am having a harder time thanking anything. Plus there are a few new memories to add to the box.

My plan was to come back, write about meeting the adults I used to babysit or at least change the diapers of, however, I haven't gotten to that part of my coming back home process. 

If you don't know this by now, my mind is always trying to put the puzzle together, no matter what form that puzzle is in. Sometimes I amuse myself because I get distracted by a section which reminds me of something and that rabbit hole leads to a tea party. Sometimes, like this time, the rabbit hole lead to both the Jabberwocky and Bandersnatch.

My "jabberwocky" is thoughtless selfishness. My "bandersnatch" is pride.

When I say thoughtless selfishness I mean when someone doesn't think about a situation other than what they want. For example, I was told several times, (attempted guilt trips), that I don't visit enough or that I disappeared. My response of course was that I haven't had anyone visit me at all and they are always welcome. Here is how this is both thoughtless and selfish. I am expected to make the effort to reach out regardless of my situation. No one thought about or remembers the fact that my family was almost homeless, that we were destitute for quite some time, or that when we were in town they were busy. (BTW I am VERY grateful and humbled that my support system came in the form of good friends who became family. They were my life boat and I hope I can repay that.) I could jab at this Jabberwocky with hurt and resentment, throwing  all the trials and tribulations at the snapping jaws of this beast. This would only lead to both of us continuing to battle in a bloody war. Or I can forge a vorpal sword of forgiveness as well as gentle darts of reminders that my door is always open and my phone is always available. The forging of this magical weapon is tough and laborious, yet the undertaking is worth the sweat and tears. I am working on it still.

Pride is tricky. Of course we all want to be proud of our accomplishments. We want to hold our heads high and acknowledge that we are worth... something. Most of the time with families it goes a bit too far. This leads us as individuals unable to ask for help or share our struggles. This bandersnatch led to a big ugly pile of resentment when it came to my uncle's death. His wife & children didn't want to use the D word when talking to the rest of the family about his illness, (thus the true nature & severity was lost on people who don't do subtle.) My father's pride kept the rest of our family from knowing that he is struggling financially and that my husband and I were struggling in the past. My pride keeps me from correcting assumptions and accusations. My mom's pride keeps her from admitting that her memory has holes. And the list goes on. I don't know how to deal with my part in this as I also don't want to alienate people further. But I am much MUCH better at keeping it from happening in the future by asking for help now and letting people know when things are less than ideal. Of course we can only be responsible for ourselves, so the beast continues to claw, scratch and bite. This makes it a much more difficult beast to overcome. You cannot defeat it, you can only subdue it. So I must find a way to charm it. Hopefully then it will wander off to sleep for a bit.

The point where a night of drinking and dancing with friends to get my equilibrium back is drawing closer. First maybe a rowdy and silly D&D game will get me laughing enough to put these monsters into perspective. Then I can talk about the adults I still picture in diapers.

Hmm... Maybe I just need a new novel to edit.

Honestly?

I have other posts written in the series I promised which will come out soon.. but Chaos and Nemesis got me again! Thereby keeping me doing other things than the scheduled writing. Those demons love this playground. It must be the abundance of evil plans and accomplishments.

I have defeated them, for the time being, and explained I have no time for their shenanigans. Yet I know that they will be back regardless.

This business with sending Gremlins into my vehicle was extremely aggravating BUT I will thank the demi-gods for the lesson learned by someone else.

Yes it's true. I was used! The incident was not a game played with me but through me. Sheesh. I am sure that it was necessary, as my anxiety and tears prompted the necessary change. Even further the change is also making other realizations sink in. I will benefit from this breakthrough in the long run. Once things calm down a bit more. For that I am grateful.

And Yet....

I still feel a bit violated. Even when the end result is positive (ish) and more growth is on its way... I can't shake the icky feeling of being the pot in which this stew was mixed. I will get over it I am sure. Especially when the trips to the fuel pump are further apart. The children being seated further apart will help as well.

Right now... I just need another shower.

Asking for Help

Yes this is an ongoing issue for me and a few of my friends. We are brought up in a society where the biggest lesson given is that a smart, successful person is self-sufficient. I am not going to argue whether or not this is true. I just want to clarify and then think "out loud".

It has taken me years to learn that it is ok to ask for help. Yet still when something major happens, like not having a vehicle for a week, I forget that I have friends that will drive all the way to BFE and pick me up. I have gotten so used to having my own transportation that figuring out what to do without it was frustrating. Equally frustrating was getting my own lecture back about asking for help.

I believe that a big part of friendship and family for that matter is helping each other out. The whole "village" mentality should not stop at just raising a child. Our friends and family are the village that should support and encourage us in all aspects of our lives. These are the people that are there when you need them just about every time you need them. HOWEVER they can't know when they are needed if we DON'T tell them.

So why didn't I ask for help when my car was "in the shop". (My husband is a mechanic.) I honestly do not know. Maybe it was that little voice in the back of my head taunting me with being a failure because I couldn't get my son and I where we needed to go. Maybe it was that I feel like I live so far away from anyone I could ask for a ride. Maybe it is that feeling I have sometimes that I am the only one that does "dumb" things like lend people my car. (We had a couple seize the engine of the vehicle we lent them.) Or maybe this was too much stress for my brain to handle so it ran away.

Whatever the reason I felt stuck and frustrated for a couple of days before I sat in a friend's car getting the lecture. That friend gave me a ride to things I wanted to do as well as the things I needed to do. After that I was lent a car that doesn't get much use due to the fact that it's owner telecommutes. (Have I mentioned I have awesome friends?)

By the following week, when I had my 4runner back, I was feeling very connected to my village. I was impressed by the fact that my high standards are there for a reason. I was also given a lot of crap for not asking for help in the first place by several people. Which I duly deserved.

The fear and anxiety of what I will do when this vehicle finally gives up is mostly gone. I love my 4runner. It's just old and tired and I understand it's trying to give me fair warning. I have a village full of support and love, or if you'd rather free rides and under used cars.

Birthdays...

Today is my youngest sister's birthday! I sent her a birthday wish on Facebook and will call later today. My mother's birthday is in a couple more days. On top of this my son's birthday is a week and a half away. Folks talk about the end of holiday craziness, in our house there is no end. In our house there are only lulls which are more like a rest in the eye of the storm.

It makes me think about celebrations, now having been through the big party season, and how differently each family does things. It also makes me feel a little sad for things that I can't change. Typically "can't" is a dirty word in my house. This time, however, it fits because there is literally nothing I can do to change something that has already happened and I wasn't around for anyway. I can and will do things to give someone a bit of the experience I think they missed out on... wait i'm getting ahead of myself.

I celebrate my birthday. I mean I try to. I like making a big deal about it, granted it would be nice if other people did this for me but again I digress. Birthdays are another reason to celebrate all the different things we have 'holidays' for throughout the year. They are a time to be thankful for getting through another year, sharing time with friends and family. They are a time to show the people around you that you love them and vice versa. They are also mini Mother/Father's Day for us as parents. Why would anyone not want to use the excuse of their birth to get together with friends, eat, drink and make merry?

The answer to that question is, unfortunately, those people who were never taught that the day they were born is a reason to celebrate. I know way too  many people who have not had the pleasure of having their father dress up as a clown (hobo style) and entertain their friends. Way too many people have not had their parents take off on a "birth day date". Way too many people have not had the frustrating joy that is losing yet another game of musical chairs! Birthdays should be full of Singing, Dancing, Playing Games, Eating, Drinking and generally having Way Too Much fun. Plus you should get more gifts than at Christmas because it's all about you! Well that is a wish anyway. It really isn't about the gifts. So let's leave that one alone. All I am saying is that a dinner out and a gift from the 'rentals does not a celebration make.

Again everything comes back down to the way we were taught to think about things. I find it disheartening that quite a number of people feel that birthdays are a countdown to death. Really? You could get hit by a bus today or contract some awful disease that gives you 30 days to live. Then again, you could live way past the drying up and falling apart of your body. There is no actual countdown folks! (Dang soapbox got under me again.. whoops!)

It comes down to me deciding that part of my responsibility as a mother is to teach my child that birthdays are a time for real celebration. Also with that is the lesson that every day is a day to celebrate something. Nothing is guaranteed.

With all this in mind this year it is even more important to make sure that kiddo has a least a little of the over the top celebrating I got. On a much smaller budget. It can be done. Bills can wait, they are ALWAYS there. Right?

But dangit I need to finish the big story and sell some of these smaller ones! Because one of these years I WILL give him the party with the clown, pony rides and bouncy house... even if it's for his 30th. *G*

Surprise!

I mentioned on Friday that my son and I were going to a weekend long tournament for our medieval/renaissance re-creation group. First, I have to say that it was a lot of fun camping and hanging out with friends. Second, I must mention that I was nervous as all get out because I had to herald. Yes, the whole standing up in front of large crowds and loudly making royalty's wishes known. (Did I mentioned I have a fear of public speaking?)

Because I was so nervous I was making a big fuss out of my eight year old son fighting in his first real tournament. (Thus the impulsive shopping.) For the record, I am happy that he has found something he has fun doing and that he sticks with. I am also very happy that he chooses to join me when I play in this game instead of staying home with Daddy. I just work really hard not to put any pressure or expectations on him. After all it's supposed to be fun AND I don't want to be a "football-mom". So when I caught myself doing this I walked away and let him just play with his friends.

When time came for the Youth tournament to begin, I made sure he had everything that he needed on him and with him. I will admit I was short with him when his nerves made him whine at me because my own nerves were strung tight. (What a pair we were.) Then I stood back and took video while he went through inspection and waited for his turn to fight. I was so proud that he was paying attention, that he didn't complain when they changed fighting styles in each round and that he fought well no matter what size kid he was fighting. He was even so focused on making sure he accepted every blow he got that when he hit himself, he gave his opponent the kill. (Did I mention that he's eight?) Luckily for him the Marshal, (referee), told him that the blow didn't count and to continue fighting. I even had to laugh when several people surrounding the eric were cheering him on and yelling out instructions. (I wasn't by the way, the whole no pressure thing.) It was great fun to watch and when it was over my son said he had a blast. This was obvious as he was grinning from ear to ear. The tournament was exactly what we expected, good experience and fun for him. That was a great end to his first tournament. 

Now it was my turn for the biggest and longest court I've ever been herald for. MY tournament, so to speak. We began a little later than planned, there were a lot of scrolls to sign at the last minute. Oh boy! That meant there were a lot of scrolls for me to read. Thankfully, I had gotten to see most of them and got a translation for the one written in Latin. (I do not read Latin, I was not going to start this weekend.) After calling several people forward to get their awards and reading the beautiful handmade scrolls they were given to go along with said awards, I was given a surprise. I was told to read a scroll without calling the person receiving it first. I started reading it and as I scanned ahead, so I wouldn't trip on upcoming words, I saw my son's name. Pushing through the tightening of my throat and the blurring of my eyes I finished reading. My son was named the most Chivalrous Youth Fighter in the tournament. Somehow I missed him leaving his seat and coming up to the thrones. I just looked down and he was there, grinning fiercely. He was excited! I was overwhelmed. After that, finishing court was not as scary. (Even though I lost my train of thought and started laughing out of turn. Whoops!)

This wasn't an official award. This was something that the young lady running the Youth Tournament wanted to recognize. Acknowledgment of a quality we all strive to display in our game. I found out later that several Noblewomen were asked to watch the tournament to choose who displayed this quality. These were women that might have seen my son in passing but really didn't know us that well. So we are both truly humbled that he was recognized for his thoughtfulness and sense of fair play. My husband does not play the game with us but even he is proud and humbled that his son was recognized in this fashion. Even three days later my son is still talking about this and asking if he can take his prize and scroll in for Show and Tell tomorrow. I did forget to mention, the prize was a purple and fluorescent green dragon that is about the same size he is. I don't think the dragon will make it to the school.

On to the real point of this story.

My son has a learning disability, he has difficulty with symbols and language. With that he has suffered with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. I have battled with friends, family and educators about his behaviour and sensitive nature. The boy is brilliant if stubborn. Unfortunately his intelligence has only shown through to others in his art and mechanical skills.

In dealing with all this my son works really hard to make sure he doesn't hurt others feelings and to make sure he is being helpful. I think it's because he knows how it feels to have others look down on him and because he wants to feel some sense of worth. I realize that he isn't always thoughtful or helpful, he is eight after all. For a boy his age, he is remarkably more consistent about it.

As happy as our SCA friends and acquaintances were for my proud Mama moment. As proud as they were that one of our children was awarded this honor. They do not know how much more this award means to us. At least they didn't before now.

I am so very grateful to those Noble Women who saw in my son the Gentleman I've always known existed.

To the remarkable young lady who decided that this quality and behaviour needed to be recognized: Thank You!