How do I look?

Perception

Something I learned very young is perception is super important in our lives. It's a powerful motivator with influential and invasive minions which can be detrimental or powerful.

Depending on who you speak to or what the application, the minions of perception are the tools that any self-help guru, marketing professional or sales coach teach. They are the basis of "fake-it til you make-it." These minions are also the key to "professionalism", which includes dress codes -written or not, phone etiquette, vocabulary expectations and diplomacy in the office. We want and need clients to view us a certain way. Public Perception can make or break a company. Much more so now than 10, 20, 30 years ago since we are now required to have a digital world-wide presence.

Again, the way people view us will either propel us forward or leave us hanging.

Family is also a game of perception. It is important to the heads of family how outsiders view the family as a whole because of course that is how they view the head of the household. It is even more important how the extended family views the nuclear family. Weird right? However, this plays out over and over again. There's an underlying competition within families which is won by the parents/guardians who have the most successful and exemplary children. Once again the minions - dress code, circumstantial etiquette, vocabulary expectations and diplomacy within the family are important. The need to maintain the perception of a well-adjusted family sometimes becomes toxic.

Yes, I said sometimes.

The reason behind the "fake-it til you make-it" mantra in business is that it creates productive habits. Keeping a calendar with penciled-in fake appointments creates a habit of maintaining your calendar. Once those appointments are actualized you are already in the habit of consulting your calendar and keeping it up to date. Faking a receptionist until you can hire one, creates an expectation for your clients of going through appropriate channels. Keeping an eye on appropriate fashion and replicating it, (within your means), creates a habit of presenting yourself the best way possible. All of these are equivalent to the productive habits for a healthy family model.

The perception game becomes destructive when its minions are suppressed or when they are let to run rampant. The minions body image, hygiene, self-worth, self-care, competition, etc., when used too often or not often enough create the monsters of Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Sleep Disorders and Addiction. These monsters can take years to tame, however, they are never truly conquered.

How are you using the minions of Perception? How have they been used on you?

Are you fighting the monsters they create? Did you tame these monsters?

It would seem that this is just the opening of this particular rabbit hole.

Asking for Help

Yes this is an ongoing issue for me and a few of my friends. We are brought up in a society where the biggest lesson given is that a smart, successful person is self-sufficient. I am not going to argue whether or not this is true. I just want to clarify and then think "out loud".

It has taken me years to learn that it is ok to ask for help. Yet still when something major happens, like not having a vehicle for a week, I forget that I have friends that will drive all the way to BFE and pick me up. I have gotten so used to having my own transportation that figuring out what to do without it was frustrating. Equally frustrating was getting my own lecture back about asking for help.

I believe that a big part of friendship and family for that matter is helping each other out. The whole "village" mentality should not stop at just raising a child. Our friends and family are the village that should support and encourage us in all aspects of our lives. These are the people that are there when you need them just about every time you need them. HOWEVER they can't know when they are needed if we DON'T tell them.

So why didn't I ask for help when my car was "in the shop". (My husband is a mechanic.) I honestly do not know. Maybe it was that little voice in the back of my head taunting me with being a failure because I couldn't get my son and I where we needed to go. Maybe it was that I feel like I live so far away from anyone I could ask for a ride. Maybe it is that feeling I have sometimes that I am the only one that does "dumb" things like lend people my car. (We had a couple seize the engine of the vehicle we lent them.) Or maybe this was too much stress for my brain to handle so it ran away.

Whatever the reason I felt stuck and frustrated for a couple of days before I sat in a friend's car getting the lecture. That friend gave me a ride to things I wanted to do as well as the things I needed to do. After that I was lent a car that doesn't get much use due to the fact that it's owner telecommutes. (Have I mentioned I have awesome friends?)

By the following week, when I had my 4runner back, I was feeling very connected to my village. I was impressed by the fact that my high standards are there for a reason. I was also given a lot of crap for not asking for help in the first place by several people. Which I duly deserved.

The fear and anxiety of what I will do when this vehicle finally gives up is mostly gone. I love my 4runner. It's just old and tired and I understand it's trying to give me fair warning. I have a village full of support and love, or if you'd rather free rides and under used cars.

Encouragement

 My son and I are going to a medieval re-creation event this weekend. This required getting up and getting a fast but mandatory 'before camping for two days' shower and frantically packing the last few things into the car. This led to getting him to school a few minutes late and still having  to do some last minute shopping. Really, we only needed drinks, bread, salami and snacks. Let's start by saying I forgot the bread and salami. The reason? I got distracted by a well intentioned idea. You know the kind, the ones that always cost you more money.

My son is going to be competing in a tournament at this event. I am pretty excited and I think dad is proud of him for getting out there. Not one of the three of us cares if he wins. It's a refreshing but kind of scary attitude. I hope my son starts caring at some point whether or not he wins. Either way this is what is on my mind as I walk around the store.

Because my husband is not going with us, I decided I needed to get a cheap camera or video recorder. I only spent $30 on a video recorder and was pretty proud of myself for that. I got the snacks, drinks and the antiseptic spray I forgot I needed and continued on my way. Then I began to worry about whether or not the loaner armor was going to make it out to the event. I KNOW that it is usually there. The Youth Marshall is pretty dependable, but... what if. I realize that I am being paranoid but I can't help it. I stop at Play it Again Sports and got a good deal on the equipment. But, there went another $30. I am in trouble now. I totally blew my budget AND this is after I just made my husband help with my fuel costs this past week. Worrying about how to tell him so he will really understand my motivation I begin the drive to the house where I nanny.

The phone is ringing just as I am pulling onto the driveway and it's the hubby. (This is what happens when you start thinking about someone too hard.) I just blurt out how I spent my morning and my funds. I hadn't had the time to choose the right words yet, blunt just had to do.

Now, here is where we get to the whole point of this story and also why I am married to this man. He tells me that he was glad I got the camera since he couldn't come out. Then tells me that our son needed the equipment anyways and he's happy I got a good deal on it. He then floors me with the additional encouragement of wanting to support our child in the things that said child is interested in. This is what he never got growing up. Furthermore, my husband doesn't ever want our son to be resentful that we never had the money for him to pursue his interests.

This boy of ours is so lucky. I am so lucky. We have someone in our lives that truly wants us to be happy. I absolutely love the fact that even when I am chastising myself for acting on impulse, my husband understands exactly what motivated that impulse. More to the point he encourages these good intentions and crazy ideas. He also tells everyone when we joke about my impulses that HE is lucky because even on impulse I am extremely frugal. I know that, unfortunately, it is rare to have this type of unconditional love and encouragement. I know also that I waited  a long time and kissed a bunch of warty slimy frogs to find it.

Now I just need him to stop encouraging me so much in terms of my writing. Talk about putting the pressure on. Hahaha. Yes I am tough to please, but happy nonetheless.

Now off to the Tournament for Baronial Defenders!