Knocked for a Loop

A good chunk of people come from dysfunctional families. Some of us break out of the cycle and some of us just follow the same path because it is familiar.

I hope that I am one of the ones who have broken out of the cycle of emotional constipation and the cruelty which is born from it.

I've mostly dealt with my childhood traumas and losses, and when I get sucked back into that darkness it doesn't take me long to pull the memory out in its fullness, thank it for the scars and put it back away. (I have found that moving on is a continual process not a one time accomplishment.) But going back to my hometown for my uncle's funeral hit way too many buttons and I am having a harder time thanking anything. Plus there are a few new memories to add to the box.

My plan was to come back, write about meeting the adults I used to babysit or at least change the diapers of, however, I haven't gotten to that part of my coming back home process. 

If you don't know this by now, my mind is always trying to put the puzzle together, no matter what form that puzzle is in. Sometimes I amuse myself because I get distracted by a section which reminds me of something and that rabbit hole leads to a tea party. Sometimes, like this time, the rabbit hole lead to both the Jabberwocky and Bandersnatch.

My "jabberwocky" is thoughtless selfishness. My "bandersnatch" is pride.

When I say thoughtless selfishness I mean when someone doesn't think about a situation other than what they want. For example, I was told several times, (attempted guilt trips), that I don't visit enough or that I disappeared. My response of course was that I haven't had anyone visit me at all and they are always welcome. Here is how this is both thoughtless and selfish. I am expected to make the effort to reach out regardless of my situation. No one thought about or remembers the fact that my family was almost homeless, that we were destitute for quite some time, or that when we were in town they were busy. (BTW I am VERY grateful and humbled that my support system came in the form of good friends who became family. They were my life boat and I hope I can repay that.) I could jab at this Jabberwocky with hurt and resentment, throwing  all the trials and tribulations at the snapping jaws of this beast. This would only lead to both of us continuing to battle in a bloody war. Or I can forge a vorpal sword of forgiveness as well as gentle darts of reminders that my door is always open and my phone is always available. The forging of this magical weapon is tough and laborious, yet the undertaking is worth the sweat and tears. I am working on it still.

Pride is tricky. Of course we all want to be proud of our accomplishments. We want to hold our heads high and acknowledge that we are worth... something. Most of the time with families it goes a bit too far. This leads us as individuals unable to ask for help or share our struggles. This bandersnatch led to a big ugly pile of resentment when it came to my uncle's death. His wife & children didn't want to use the D word when talking to the rest of the family about his illness, (thus the true nature & severity was lost on people who don't do subtle.) My father's pride kept the rest of our family from knowing that he is struggling financially and that my husband and I were struggling in the past. My pride keeps me from correcting assumptions and accusations. My mom's pride keeps her from admitting that her memory has holes. And the list goes on. I don't know how to deal with my part in this as I also don't want to alienate people further. But I am much MUCH better at keeping it from happening in the future by asking for help now and letting people know when things are less than ideal. Of course we can only be responsible for ourselves, so the beast continues to claw, scratch and bite. This makes it a much more difficult beast to overcome. You cannot defeat it, you can only subdue it. So I must find a way to charm it. Hopefully then it will wander off to sleep for a bit.

The point where a night of drinking and dancing with friends to get my equilibrium back is drawing closer. First maybe a rowdy and silly D&D game will get me laughing enough to put these monsters into perspective. Then I can talk about the adults I still picture in diapers.

Hmm... Maybe I just need a new novel to edit.

Dusting Off the Keyboard

What an adventure!

To answer the burning question, yes I stopped writing. Life hit some whitewater and in order to stay in the game I had to specialize. When there are only so many dice to roll, you gotta be picky about what oars to keep. (Now how's that for mixing metaphors?)

My old nemesis the Time Thief gained some allies. However, those allies worked for me as well. I have gained the ally of Knowledge, while strengthening my ally Tribe.

After a lengthy game of strategy with several losses and a few gains I find my weapons sharper, stronger, and seasoned oh-so-well with the sweat and tears of my efforts as well as the efforts of my Tribe.
However, the color of my thoughts, the flitting pictures in my mind continue to want an outlet. I have been told countless times, "You should start a blog." I had one. I have one. No. I abandoned one.
Hemming, hawing, thinking, overthinking and finally coming to the conclusion that I suck... at diary keeping. But I love to play with the random sentences that fly through my mind.

So what's next?

When something hits me as funny and no one else gets it, I'll post.
When my soul feels the ripping sensation of truth, I'll post.
When I need to make fun of my moody self, I'll probably think about posting, then think better of it, then write it, erase it, and...  I'll post.
In between all this I might fill in the gap of my abandonment of this lonely page.

Why shouldn't we all have fun as I try to herd butterflies?

Honestly?

I have other posts written in the series I promised which will come out soon.. but Chaos and Nemesis got me again! Thereby keeping me doing other things than the scheduled writing. Those demons love this playground. It must be the abundance of evil plans and accomplishments.

I have defeated them, for the time being, and explained I have no time for their shenanigans. Yet I know that they will be back regardless.

This business with sending Gremlins into my vehicle was extremely aggravating BUT I will thank the demi-gods for the lesson learned by someone else.

Yes it's true. I was used! The incident was not a game played with me but through me. Sheesh. I am sure that it was necessary, as my anxiety and tears prompted the necessary change. Even further the change is also making other realizations sink in. I will benefit from this breakthrough in the long run. Once things calm down a bit more. For that I am grateful.

And Yet....

I still feel a bit violated. Even when the end result is positive (ish) and more growth is on its way... I can't shake the icky feeling of being the pot in which this stew was mixed. I will get over it I am sure. Especially when the trips to the fuel pump are further apart. The children being seated further apart will help as well.

Right now... I just need another shower.

Projects, projects and MORE projects...

So this is where we once again talk about Trickster Time... He is getting so much publicity from me, I wish there was a way to bill and collect from this elusive artist.

This is a glimpse into what my life has become and it will only get more insane from here.

The troupe has performances coming up that we are really excited about and can't wait to do. Of course we need to make costumes and refresh ourselves with certain styles of Middle Eastern dance. These shows are fast approaching. As a group we are realizing that just because something is a month away, it does not mean that we have a month to work on it.

When you take into account the time you already have committed to work, children, spouses and other activities the amount of time available to actually do work decreases. Also, the time you need to take to create and sew a costume takes away from the time you can use for rehearsal. This works the other way around as well. On top of all these things you should really try to factor in the fun that Trickster Time will have with you. He likes to work with Nemesis to create problems with the sewing machines or computers you are using to work on costumes and music. Time will also play around with the day that you are working and give you the impression of having 8 hours but the 4 hour project doesn't get finished because you only really had 3 hours to truly work on it.

It makes me tired just thinking about all the things that Time can do to you when you have a deadline. It also wears me out just trying to explain how it all works. Or doesn't as the case may be

Now here's where it gets interesting or insane, take your pick.

I am networking for the troupe as well as trying to costume myself for the BIG show coming up in March. Having agreed to do some other work where I need another costume by the end of this month. Yes, 2 weeks from now. Along with rehearsals and the dance class I am teaching, I am sure I will find the time. (Was that convincing?)

Then there is the multi-level marketing that needs at least some attention. No more than 15 minutes a day really. But somehow that 15 mins seems more like an hour when you try to find it loose and free. A block of 15 free minutes is the Jackalope of my world. Truly, have you ever really seen it?

Add on to this craziness my personal quest to bring more money into my household. I now have 2 commissioned sewing projects. Well 3 if you count the project I was supposed to do during the summer. I need an hour a day to fit those in and have them done before the event they are to be worn at. ACK!  (Yes, I realize I asked for this.)

And last but not least is the writing. It's always waiting for me. Like that old friend from college that is happy to hang out with you but you always leave hanging until all your other social obligations are taken care of. I am honestly writing a little something every day. But slow and steady is not the actual pace I want to be at right now. (Impatient? Me?)

Now as I return to planning and costuming I do regret that I am not posting as often as I'd like. Nor am I writing as much as I could. I also have lots of unfinished sections on that multi-level marketing website. But it's okay. I am blaming it all on that trickster Time. Otherwise my 2 hours a day would be enough to get everything done.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Asking for Help

Yes this is an ongoing issue for me and a few of my friends. We are brought up in a society where the biggest lesson given is that a smart, successful person is self-sufficient. I am not going to argue whether or not this is true. I just want to clarify and then think "out loud".

It has taken me years to learn that it is ok to ask for help. Yet still when something major happens, like not having a vehicle for a week, I forget that I have friends that will drive all the way to BFE and pick me up. I have gotten so used to having my own transportation that figuring out what to do without it was frustrating. Equally frustrating was getting my own lecture back about asking for help.

I believe that a big part of friendship and family for that matter is helping each other out. The whole "village" mentality should not stop at just raising a child. Our friends and family are the village that should support and encourage us in all aspects of our lives. These are the people that are there when you need them just about every time you need them. HOWEVER they can't know when they are needed if we DON'T tell them.

So why didn't I ask for help when my car was "in the shop". (My husband is a mechanic.) I honestly do not know. Maybe it was that little voice in the back of my head taunting me with being a failure because I couldn't get my son and I where we needed to go. Maybe it was that I feel like I live so far away from anyone I could ask for a ride. Maybe it is that feeling I have sometimes that I am the only one that does "dumb" things like lend people my car. (We had a couple seize the engine of the vehicle we lent them.) Or maybe this was too much stress for my brain to handle so it ran away.

Whatever the reason I felt stuck and frustrated for a couple of days before I sat in a friend's car getting the lecture. That friend gave me a ride to things I wanted to do as well as the things I needed to do. After that I was lent a car that doesn't get much use due to the fact that it's owner telecommutes. (Have I mentioned I have awesome friends?)

By the following week, when I had my 4runner back, I was feeling very connected to my village. I was impressed by the fact that my high standards are there for a reason. I was also given a lot of crap for not asking for help in the first place by several people. Which I duly deserved.

The fear and anxiety of what I will do when this vehicle finally gives up is mostly gone. I love my 4runner. It's just old and tired and I understand it's trying to give me fair warning. I have a village full of support and love, or if you'd rather free rides and under used cars.

Birthdays...

Today is my youngest sister's birthday! I sent her a birthday wish on Facebook and will call later today. My mother's birthday is in a couple more days. On top of this my son's birthday is a week and a half away. Folks talk about the end of holiday craziness, in our house there is no end. In our house there are only lulls which are more like a rest in the eye of the storm.

It makes me think about celebrations, now having been through the big party season, and how differently each family does things. It also makes me feel a little sad for things that I can't change. Typically "can't" is a dirty word in my house. This time, however, it fits because there is literally nothing I can do to change something that has already happened and I wasn't around for anyway. I can and will do things to give someone a bit of the experience I think they missed out on... wait i'm getting ahead of myself.

I celebrate my birthday. I mean I try to. I like making a big deal about it, granted it would be nice if other people did this for me but again I digress. Birthdays are another reason to celebrate all the different things we have 'holidays' for throughout the year. They are a time to be thankful for getting through another year, sharing time with friends and family. They are a time to show the people around you that you love them and vice versa. They are also mini Mother/Father's Day for us as parents. Why would anyone not want to use the excuse of their birth to get together with friends, eat, drink and make merry?

The answer to that question is, unfortunately, those people who were never taught that the day they were born is a reason to celebrate. I know way too  many people who have not had the pleasure of having their father dress up as a clown (hobo style) and entertain their friends. Way too many people have not had their parents take off on a "birth day date". Way too many people have not had the frustrating joy that is losing yet another game of musical chairs! Birthdays should be full of Singing, Dancing, Playing Games, Eating, Drinking and generally having Way Too Much fun. Plus you should get more gifts than at Christmas because it's all about you! Well that is a wish anyway. It really isn't about the gifts. So let's leave that one alone. All I am saying is that a dinner out and a gift from the 'rentals does not a celebration make.

Again everything comes back down to the way we were taught to think about things. I find it disheartening that quite a number of people feel that birthdays are a countdown to death. Really? You could get hit by a bus today or contract some awful disease that gives you 30 days to live. Then again, you could live way past the drying up and falling apart of your body. There is no actual countdown folks! (Dang soapbox got under me again.. whoops!)

It comes down to me deciding that part of my responsibility as a mother is to teach my child that birthdays are a time for real celebration. Also with that is the lesson that every day is a day to celebrate something. Nothing is guaranteed.

With all this in mind this year it is even more important to make sure that kiddo has a least a little of the over the top celebrating I got. On a much smaller budget. It can be done. Bills can wait, they are ALWAYS there. Right?

But dangit I need to finish the big story and sell some of these smaller ones! Because one of these years I WILL give him the party with the clown, pony rides and bouncy house... even if it's for his 30th. *G*

The magic feels.... a lot like hard work

Honestly!

The magic that will happen as our performance in the late winter doesn't feel so magic filled or awe-inspiring at the moment. Right now what I mostly feel is sore muscles and extreme awkwardness. Of course, once we get things really moving and get those "wow" moments down, no one will believe it. It will come across as genius in simplicity. Exactly what we are aspiring to. It is just a little painful working to get there.

When new folks come out to learn to dance the most common thing I've heard is "I will never look as good as you." My first instinct is to be self depracating and respond that I don't think I look that good. What they mean is that they don't think that they can really learn the moves as they are feeling awkward and clumsy. What I mean is that I still feel awkward and clumsy until I get something new down. I just happen to have a few more moves in my bag right now.

This is giving me something else to think about. Writing. Specifically, my writing.

At the moment it doesn't feel altogether magical. Well at least the act of putting down my thoughts and ideas on a page don't. It feels awkward and cumbersome and I find myself re-arranging a lot of my verbage. The only magic so far is when I can't get a scene out of my mind and feel the need to find some paper. (Yes I do sometimes just take pen to paper.) This has been painful and frustrating. A good deal of work and research goes into what I write and that kind of kills that magical feeling.

While thinking about this I have read notes from my favorite authors and truly understand that new dancers' feeling of being completely and utterly lost. I start wondering about whether or not I can truly get to where I want to go. If it will ever be as easy as it seems with these authors. Will I get over myself and start just writing so uncontrollably that I will have more books to try to get published then I know what to do with? It would be really nice not to have total control of my characters and have them tell me what is going to happen next. At the moment it feels a lot like trying to get information from reluctant children.  Slow going with a few AHA! moments.

My two focuses in 2011 will truly be the troupe and my writing. As each of these require creativity and hard work it seems fitting that I should take my lessons from my struggles with both.

(Funny, this is starting to take the form of a resolution, which is something I avoid making.)

Here's a compromise, we'll call this a realization. I am accepting the realization that the magic will come AFTER the hard work. I will have my "wow" moment as I get closer to the meat of the stories I write. The magical feeling will be knowing that I have something to shop and a show that will blow the audience away!

So here's to the magic of hard work. Bippity Boppety Do it already... heh

Life's Lessons... are expensive!

Trust me I know about expenses...

A conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend keeps replaying in my brain. Now you all know that my mind tends to take things that are said and warp them a bit. For my own amusement of course. But this conversation just keeps nagging at me and I figure that it is because I've missed something.

I have had many jobs and career starts. Most of them, obviously, have not led me to where I thought I wanted to go. In fact in leading me down the confusing path, these jobs and career ambitions actually left me more in debt than when I started. The idea with working, especially working hard and tirelessly, is to make money and get rid of debt. At least that's what I was told. In fact I was promised that this was the truth. Maybe I should sue. Whoops! I am getting off track.

Where did this hard work and belief leave me? Much more in debt. BUT knowing a thing or two more about life and people. In learning I have succeeded. Only there just seems like there's so much more still to learn!

I was reminded that when folks say that they graduated from 'the school of hard knocks', this is what they mean: They have tried different things, got knocked around pretty hard and learned some things of value. To which I can now say I am going through this same educational process.

But wait! My mind screams out. I went to an accredited college and supposedly got some education. Granted I haven't graduated from there either. Money slowed down and life got complicated. I got knocked around pretty hard figuring out what mistakes I made in choosing a college AND being overly honest in my financial aid applications. And... Ohhhh...

Dangit! This means that the expensive college experience was ALSO part of this whole curriculum that I am still trying to get through! Here I was figuring that I was going to have a double degree at the end of all this. Blasted Life and it's ongoing lessons. I would like a syllabus please. It'd be nice to have a direction. Or wait...

Have each of these lessons been pointing me to the itemized syllabus that will move me on to the next section? Can it really be that easy? Well maybe not easy, as these lessons are hard won and dear. Maybe I should say 'simple'. Yes, simple works for me. In fact it's been my mantra for the last week and a half. Simple and direct.

Now I am off to review my lessons so far and see if I can come up with a Simple List of Directions. There has got to be at least one arrow in all this mess.


***Oh and I reiterate that Life's Lessons are expensive. If you don't believe me here's a simple exercise to see the proof. Add together the cost of a college education, living expenses, cost of dating (yes I picked some broke guys for some reason), start up and ongoing investments for 4 direct sales businesses, clothes, shoes, medical expenses, fuel, trailer landing gears, makeup, books, seminars, plane fare, pain relievers, compact discs, workshops, alcohol, printing, copying and office supplies. Just to hit the basics. ***