Getting Wild

I deal with grief and feeling trapped pretty much the same way. With a little controlled wildness. Spend some money frivolously, change my hair, buy new makeup - you know things I can control but know I probably shouldn't be doing right now.

The thing is, I am so very aware of all the pitfalls which come with completely losing control therefore I never let go of the reins. (Ok this one time I did and now I have a 15yo. j/k)

Honestly, it's just not in my programming to go off on a bender or disappear from the world on a moments notice. Sometimes I wish I could, but I have accepted that this is who I am.

YET! Last night I got the shortest haircut I've ever had, (totes adorbs), AND I have peek-a-boo colors of blue, green and purple. Yes, I got wild!
Add that to the boots I bought on Amazon and I am living on the edge. Hahaha

Here's the thing. I know that this is wild and crazy for me, because of the way people around me are reacting. Their reactions are definitely part of the fun. I also know that for some others who don't see me often or know me well it will barely register. Ah well.

My giddiness when I receive a big reaction, gets me wondering...
Is my controlled wildness a little evil? (I mean I definitely like poking some monkey cages, I think the poo is funny and I'm washable.) This is the fun thought exercise, which probably answers my question.

Then I overthink the whole process and wonder is this controlled wildness enough? Or am I just barely keeping the pipes from bursting?

And this is the thought tornado whirling through my brain today.

What do you think about the color?

The Sum of Our Parts

Why all the drama over the number of celebrity deaths this year?

Because it hurts.

Yes, we understand death is part of the cycle. Yes, we understand we don't know these folks personally. Yes, we understand. It still hurts. A raw ripping feeling as though pieces of your soul are being shredded with a SPOON.

Very different from the gnawing ache of sudden emptiness when a family member dies. Yet the reason is very similar.

Our families shape the footings for the foundation of our being. Our souls begin to take shape as they mold and guide us. Then our very being becomes tumultuous. We are separate from them, not replicas, we are OUR OWN PERSON! Serious teenage confusion begins the search for more. (And yes this presents in different ways but that is another story.)

Just like any architectural achievement, our personal construction requires RESEARCH. Music, movies, books, comics, magazines, and sometimes theatre are all the water, sand and gravel in the search for ourselves.

When we begin to find the pieces which either fit, or we desperately want to fit, the posters go up, the collections begin, and the soul grows. The soul changes. We now have a foundation ready, we think, to build upon.

Thus begins our individual journey, the adventure of learning about ourselves, the quest to find our tribe, the thingy to find fulfillment. (More posters, different collections, and new pieces.)

It is human nature to subconsciously think that all these people, the guides, the mentors, the inspirations will forever be around. They are a part of us, how could they not be?

The footings won't fail, the foundation won't crumble; however, the blueprints we lovingly bring out on occasion are now not just fading but beginning to rip - fast. We can feel it. We can't stop it. 

Soon it will be familiar and we can remember with more fondness than sadness. Right now, we grieve and it's part of the cycle as well. 

So much STEAM!

... and dust and cowboy hats too!

The big show that our troupe worked so hard on premiered at the Wild Wild West Steampunk Convention.

Well to be honest in its beginning it was to be a show specifically for this Con, but it grew to be so much more. But this is what happens with you get a writer like Erin Lausten involved. In short this show is now the beginning of so many more with Short Stories to match!

Walking around on the first day we fell in love with all the creative costuming! Watching different acts and listening to some awesome bands, we drooled with excitement at the possibilities that lay before us. In finding locations for pictures we were awed to be standing in the same places that so many Westerns were filmed. (We giggled when someone behind us noted that one section looked like Tatooine.) In short we were overwhelmed with the ideas swirling around us and we needed to FOCUS!

The Slumber Party Returned

The first night found the three of us that had bunked together at Estrella War bunking together again! Let the giggling ensue...
Oh you bet we were giggling when we were trying to fall asleep. We were so tired from the preparation, packing, traveling and doing some last minute costuming that we were a bit Punchy. We were outright laughing when we thought of Estrella and Ms. DT!

The Giddyness continued

The next day because we stayed up late and got up early. (Early enough that three females could get a shower, get mostly ready for the day and get to breakfast by 9am. Amazing right?) That as we were finishing the last minute grommeting in the hotel room we couldn't help but giggle. AND when we were walking around the the Convention we were not as shy as we normally are when handing out promotional materials. I think we scared a couple of folks at Old Tucson Studios.


Of course the giddyness disappeared when OTS and the directors of WWWCon got their wires crossed with our performance times. We did take it in stride and got the consolation prize of attending The League of S.T.E.A.M. dinner theater. What a hoot! Especially after attempting to eat a 2 foot pizza. (I wish someone had gotten a picture.)

Not a total bust for the first day of our first Steampunk Convention.

There was, of course, two more days left!

Estrella War - The Storm

Estrella War was full of fun activities and everyone had a lot of things planned for each day we were there.
Unfortunately for those of us NOT on the battlefield, Saturday proved to be the day that flexibility was challenged.

Literally and Figuratively...

The winds blew! Swirling and Gusting they blew! We witnessed flying canopies, twisting aluminum and frantic members of the Populace running to secure their temporary homes. Stakes were shared, bodyweight used to anchor anything larger than a chair and children were corralled yet left to their own devices.

In short it was Mayhem! Loud and Scary!

I was not feeling well so once the children got a bit too much for my growing headache, I moved into the tent I was sharing with my troupemates.  Those troupemates came inside as well. We were protected from the high winds and began chatting. Noticing that while this medieval style tent rocked a bit, the noise of the wind was less and we were unaware of the further Chaos that was occurring outside. We felt safe and cozy. All was right in our world.

We began a conversation that started with snarkiness, had giggles mixed in (surprising I know), moved on to emotional and ended with a Secret Society. 

Sorry I can't tell you about it.... Yet. (We also have our own personal animal mascots.. shhhh!)

All in all we three grew a little closer and had a great time together. We finished the beer and let Sir Templeton have the empties. We were even kind enough to share snacks with him. He became too overwhelmed and needed to be put back in his basket.

Then T went outside to bring back more beer and witnessed the Destruction.

The modern nylon tents in front of and beside us had been ripped and ruined. Rain was now on its way so the mad dash to get belongings into vehicles was hot and heavy. We were astonished that we heard nothing of the Pandemonium and felt guilty for feeling so content in our "home".

Of course we offered to help. I was turned down as I was honestly not feeling well. The other two gals went out to get lunch into the folks that were working so hard and frantically. Sandwiches were made and handed out. Children were encouraged to stay in the "kitchen" and out of the way. Although the way they chose to entertain themselves with the foodstuffs was totally inappropriate. This drove my friends back into our tent. They helped everyone with sustenance, time to move away from the temptation to strangle young'uns. The rain had arrived and so had more beer. It was time to snuggle under blankets, drink more beer and wait out the Craziness.

We were impressed with the way that most folks dropped everything and helped their neighbors. We were impressed that the Nobility made sure to come around and check on the members of the Populace. We were not impressed with those that just bailed and didn't particpate in the magic that is the Current Middle Ages. That's ok. We learned a lot and saw great things. We also have more evil plans in the making.

Flexibility and a Sense of Humor!

The "survivors" showed these strengths and got the party to celebrate them.

Stardust!

Honestly?

I have other posts written in the series I promised which will come out soon.. but Chaos and Nemesis got me again! Thereby keeping me doing other things than the scheduled writing. Those demons love this playground. It must be the abundance of evil plans and accomplishments.

I have defeated them, for the time being, and explained I have no time for their shenanigans. Yet I know that they will be back regardless.

This business with sending Gremlins into my vehicle was extremely aggravating BUT I will thank the demi-gods for the lesson learned by someone else.

Yes it's true. I was used! The incident was not a game played with me but through me. Sheesh. I am sure that it was necessary, as my anxiety and tears prompted the necessary change. Even further the change is also making other realizations sink in. I will benefit from this breakthrough in the long run. Once things calm down a bit more. For that I am grateful.

And Yet....

I still feel a bit violated. Even when the end result is positive (ish) and more growth is on its way... I can't shake the icky feeling of being the pot in which this stew was mixed. I will get over it I am sure. Especially when the trips to the fuel pump are further apart. The children being seated further apart will help as well.

Right now... I just need another shower.

Progress aka Yes it CAN be Changed

For anyone that has known me for ANY length of time it comes as no surprise that I have a tendency to want to shake things up and do things differently. Experimentation is a fun and fabulous thing that can lead to more fun and fabulous things. (I promise!)

Even more than loving the process of experimenting though is the fact that I think things through (wow this goes back to the first post doesn't it?) and I want know others are thinking as well. Honestly, the two most repeated mantras you will hear around my house is "Everything can be improved" AND "The only constant is CHANGE".

Now, I do realize that change just for the sake of change can be counterproductive. I truly do have reasons and a thought process behind my ideas for change. HOWever, just because there's the slightest possibility that you may not get a good result does not mean that regardless of a good reason and valid point for a change to occur you should still keep the status quo because that's how things are.

That being said I will now get to my point and why I am ranting.

I mentioned in my last post that myself and a couple of friends coordinated an event that went pretty well with a bit of a shaky start. One of the shaky starts was being told I couldn't do something. One of the Loudest reasons I given was 'we've never done that'. I will tell you all that I walked away because I was seriously afraid I would get physical. I really rather reason and logic my way through any given obstacle, problem or argument. BUT when the logic you are being given is ridiculously void of any logic, my brain short circuits.

Yes I AM a parent that HATES the phrase "because I said so" (albeit I do realize that it can be a replacement for the answer you've given 20 times already.) I am sorry to inform everyone that I also will NOT accept "because" as an answer to ANY question. I honestly don't care what reason I am given for something, just so long as it has a small amount of thought behind it. Well, that and you actually listen to what I have to say and process it first before formulating that answer. (Yup there are always qualifiers.)

I was tea-kettle screeching steamed. I have points to make, data to back me up as well as knowledge of how things actually work and conversations no one else has had, yet none of these things matter nor will they be heard. All due to the fact that 'we've never done that'. AAARRGH! (Yup, I can throw a hissy fit with the best of 'em.)

Pause for reflection-

Everyone has been in this situation several times in their lives. I know most folks understand the frustration. Your boss has said 'no' to a brilliant idea that will make the company loads of money for hardly any investment because 'we've never done that'. Your parents say no to a creative idea you have 'because we say so'. Add to that the frustration of not actually being heard and BOOM! Insta-Harpy (must add chocolate or alcohol to return to human form.)

So the question for the day is: Since we've all been there before, why would we continue to do this to each other? (Overly logical I know, most days that is my biggest problem.)


Now back to the regularly scheduled rant -

I KNOW that I am an intelligent woman, I KNOW that I do my research and I KNOW that the reasons behind my decisions are sound and well thought out. So when my ideas/requests are dismissed without thought or a real discussion, when my logical and researched findings are stomped on without a solid base of reasoning I tend to take it a bit personally. You have just told me that I am not worth your time/brain power OR even worse you have told me that you don't think I have a brain. For of course I assume that everyone around me has and uses their brains. (Again back to that first rant.)

Thank goodness for the Red-Headed Goddess with the YUMMY ale that came to everyone's rescue, whether they were aware of it or not! Of course we must also give thanks to the Brunette Goddess that knew it was necessary. :)

OH and let's not forget the all important "I told ya so!"