Knocked for a Loop

A good chunk of people come from dysfunctional families. Some of us break out of the cycle and some of us just follow the same path because it is familiar.

I hope that I am one of the ones who have broken out of the cycle of emotional constipation and the cruelty which is born from it.

I've mostly dealt with my childhood traumas and losses, and when I get sucked back into that darkness it doesn't take me long to pull the memory out in its fullness, thank it for the scars and put it back away. (I have found that moving on is a continual process not a one time accomplishment.) But going back to my hometown for my uncle's funeral hit way too many buttons and I am having a harder time thanking anything. Plus there are a few new memories to add to the box.

My plan was to come back, write about meeting the adults I used to babysit or at least change the diapers of, however, I haven't gotten to that part of my coming back home process. 

If you don't know this by now, my mind is always trying to put the puzzle together, no matter what form that puzzle is in. Sometimes I amuse myself because I get distracted by a section which reminds me of something and that rabbit hole leads to a tea party. Sometimes, like this time, the rabbit hole lead to both the Jabberwocky and Bandersnatch.

My "jabberwocky" is thoughtless selfishness. My "bandersnatch" is pride.

When I say thoughtless selfishness I mean when someone doesn't think about a situation other than what they want. For example, I was told several times, (attempted guilt trips), that I don't visit enough or that I disappeared. My response of course was that I haven't had anyone visit me at all and they are always welcome. Here is how this is both thoughtless and selfish. I am expected to make the effort to reach out regardless of my situation. No one thought about or remembers the fact that my family was almost homeless, that we were destitute for quite some time, or that when we were in town they were busy. (BTW I am VERY grateful and humbled that my support system came in the form of good friends who became family. They were my life boat and I hope I can repay that.) I could jab at this Jabberwocky with hurt and resentment, throwing  all the trials and tribulations at the snapping jaws of this beast. This would only lead to both of us continuing to battle in a bloody war. Or I can forge a vorpal sword of forgiveness as well as gentle darts of reminders that my door is always open and my phone is always available. The forging of this magical weapon is tough and laborious, yet the undertaking is worth the sweat and tears. I am working on it still.

Pride is tricky. Of course we all want to be proud of our accomplishments. We want to hold our heads high and acknowledge that we are worth... something. Most of the time with families it goes a bit too far. This leads us as individuals unable to ask for help or share our struggles. This bandersnatch led to a big ugly pile of resentment when it came to my uncle's death. His wife & children didn't want to use the D word when talking to the rest of the family about his illness, (thus the true nature & severity was lost on people who don't do subtle.) My father's pride kept the rest of our family from knowing that he is struggling financially and that my husband and I were struggling in the past. My pride keeps me from correcting assumptions and accusations. My mom's pride keeps her from admitting that her memory has holes. And the list goes on. I don't know how to deal with my part in this as I also don't want to alienate people further. But I am much MUCH better at keeping it from happening in the future by asking for help now and letting people know when things are less than ideal. Of course we can only be responsible for ourselves, so the beast continues to claw, scratch and bite. This makes it a much more difficult beast to overcome. You cannot defeat it, you can only subdue it. So I must find a way to charm it. Hopefully then it will wander off to sleep for a bit.

The point where a night of drinking and dancing with friends to get my equilibrium back is drawing closer. First maybe a rowdy and silly D&D game will get me laughing enough to put these monsters into perspective. Then I can talk about the adults I still picture in diapers.

Hmm... Maybe I just need a new novel to edit.

So much STEAM!

... and dust and cowboy hats too!

The big show that our troupe worked so hard on premiered at the Wild Wild West Steampunk Convention.

Well to be honest in its beginning it was to be a show specifically for this Con, but it grew to be so much more. But this is what happens with you get a writer like Erin Lausten involved. In short this show is now the beginning of so many more with Short Stories to match!

Walking around on the first day we fell in love with all the creative costuming! Watching different acts and listening to some awesome bands, we drooled with excitement at the possibilities that lay before us. In finding locations for pictures we were awed to be standing in the same places that so many Westerns were filmed. (We giggled when someone behind us noted that one section looked like Tatooine.) In short we were overwhelmed with the ideas swirling around us and we needed to FOCUS!

The Slumber Party Returned

The first night found the three of us that had bunked together at Estrella War bunking together again! Let the giggling ensue...
Oh you bet we were giggling when we were trying to fall asleep. We were so tired from the preparation, packing, traveling and doing some last minute costuming that we were a bit Punchy. We were outright laughing when we thought of Estrella and Ms. DT!

The Giddyness continued

The next day because we stayed up late and got up early. (Early enough that three females could get a shower, get mostly ready for the day and get to breakfast by 9am. Amazing right?) That as we were finishing the last minute grommeting in the hotel room we couldn't help but giggle. AND when we were walking around the the Convention we were not as shy as we normally are when handing out promotional materials. I think we scared a couple of folks at Old Tucson Studios.


Of course the giddyness disappeared when OTS and the directors of WWWCon got their wires crossed with our performance times. We did take it in stride and got the consolation prize of attending The League of S.T.E.A.M. dinner theater. What a hoot! Especially after attempting to eat a 2 foot pizza. (I wish someone had gotten a picture.)

Not a total bust for the first day of our first Steampunk Convention.

There was, of course, two more days left!

Asking for Help

Yes this is an ongoing issue for me and a few of my friends. We are brought up in a society where the biggest lesson given is that a smart, successful person is self-sufficient. I am not going to argue whether or not this is true. I just want to clarify and then think "out loud".

It has taken me years to learn that it is ok to ask for help. Yet still when something major happens, like not having a vehicle for a week, I forget that I have friends that will drive all the way to BFE and pick me up. I have gotten so used to having my own transportation that figuring out what to do without it was frustrating. Equally frustrating was getting my own lecture back about asking for help.

I believe that a big part of friendship and family for that matter is helping each other out. The whole "village" mentality should not stop at just raising a child. Our friends and family are the village that should support and encourage us in all aspects of our lives. These are the people that are there when you need them just about every time you need them. HOWEVER they can't know when they are needed if we DON'T tell them.

So why didn't I ask for help when my car was "in the shop". (My husband is a mechanic.) I honestly do not know. Maybe it was that little voice in the back of my head taunting me with being a failure because I couldn't get my son and I where we needed to go. Maybe it was that I feel like I live so far away from anyone I could ask for a ride. Maybe it is that feeling I have sometimes that I am the only one that does "dumb" things like lend people my car. (We had a couple seize the engine of the vehicle we lent them.) Or maybe this was too much stress for my brain to handle so it ran away.

Whatever the reason I felt stuck and frustrated for a couple of days before I sat in a friend's car getting the lecture. That friend gave me a ride to things I wanted to do as well as the things I needed to do. After that I was lent a car that doesn't get much use due to the fact that it's owner telecommutes. (Have I mentioned I have awesome friends?)

By the following week, when I had my 4runner back, I was feeling very connected to my village. I was impressed by the fact that my high standards are there for a reason. I was also given a lot of crap for not asking for help in the first place by several people. Which I duly deserved.

The fear and anxiety of what I will do when this vehicle finally gives up is mostly gone. I love my 4runner. It's just old and tired and I understand it's trying to give me fair warning. I have a village full of support and love, or if you'd rather free rides and under used cars.

The magic feels.... a lot like hard work

Honestly!

The magic that will happen as our performance in the late winter doesn't feel so magic filled or awe-inspiring at the moment. Right now what I mostly feel is sore muscles and extreme awkwardness. Of course, once we get things really moving and get those "wow" moments down, no one will believe it. It will come across as genius in simplicity. Exactly what we are aspiring to. It is just a little painful working to get there.

When new folks come out to learn to dance the most common thing I've heard is "I will never look as good as you." My first instinct is to be self depracating and respond that I don't think I look that good. What they mean is that they don't think that they can really learn the moves as they are feeling awkward and clumsy. What I mean is that I still feel awkward and clumsy until I get something new down. I just happen to have a few more moves in my bag right now.

This is giving me something else to think about. Writing. Specifically, my writing.

At the moment it doesn't feel altogether magical. Well at least the act of putting down my thoughts and ideas on a page don't. It feels awkward and cumbersome and I find myself re-arranging a lot of my verbage. The only magic so far is when I can't get a scene out of my mind and feel the need to find some paper. (Yes I do sometimes just take pen to paper.) This has been painful and frustrating. A good deal of work and research goes into what I write and that kind of kills that magical feeling.

While thinking about this I have read notes from my favorite authors and truly understand that new dancers' feeling of being completely and utterly lost. I start wondering about whether or not I can truly get to where I want to go. If it will ever be as easy as it seems with these authors. Will I get over myself and start just writing so uncontrollably that I will have more books to try to get published then I know what to do with? It would be really nice not to have total control of my characters and have them tell me what is going to happen next. At the moment it feels a lot like trying to get information from reluctant children.  Slow going with a few AHA! moments.

My two focuses in 2011 will truly be the troupe and my writing. As each of these require creativity and hard work it seems fitting that I should take my lessons from my struggles with both.

(Funny, this is starting to take the form of a resolution, which is something I avoid making.)

Here's a compromise, we'll call this a realization. I am accepting the realization that the magic will come AFTER the hard work. I will have my "wow" moment as I get closer to the meat of the stories I write. The magical feeling will be knowing that I have something to shop and a show that will blow the audience away!

So here's to the magic of hard work. Bippity Boppety Do it already... heh

Trickster named Time

A friend of mine mentioned yesterday that time moves differently now then when we were children. Now with the hustle and bustle of our daily lives when we take time to do "nothing" time moves quickly. As children if there was nothing to do time would move so slowly as to be painful! Does this mean that "nothing" means something different to us now then it did then? Or is it something completely external with nothing to do with definitions.

I found this difference also applies to many parts of our lives. We think that a project will take X amount of time. However, sometimes we don't factor in the Y that can be anything from kids to forgotten errands. So the actual amount of time (Z) is of course more than we expected. Then again this happens with those projects that have a concrete deadline. For those projects that we have more flexible deadlines, half the time things work out so well that we find ourselves done with time to spare. What is frustrating is that both sets of projects do not happen within a time frame that allows the extra time from one to be applied to the other. Even more frustrating is that there isn't a formula or rule to let us know when these times will occur.

This makes me feel like Time itself is an entity related to Chaos and in league with Nemesis. It is obviously readjusting itself for entertainment purposes. I can truly see these Entities watching us and manipulating things just to see how we'll react. It's even possible that there is a constant betting pool going on about the outcomes. Although I am not sure who the bookie would be. The Fates?

In any case Time can be tricky and often frustrating. And for the moment I will not try to figure it out. But one of these days I will work on it. Or just write a story to shame that Trickster Time.